Annaiya

“Annaiya! Annaiya! Haal kardaitu. Iga yen madli?”
(“Brother! Brother! I finished milking the cows. Now what shall I do?”)
“Snana madu. Nagappan devasthanakke hogona.”
(“Take a bath. Let’s go to the Snake temple.”)

* * * *
That was years ago but looking at this tribal mask in front of me, my mind refused to get away from that memory-a memory I was desperate to forget, to erase off my mind. These very thoughts spoilt my monthly trips to @Home, a chic home décor boutique in Bangalore.

“Mommy!”
Shruti and Krish.
I had to adopt them when I was only 26. I love them but I remain (mostly) confused about how to bring them up. When time and again the same questions pester my mind, I am reminded that there have always been two choices- either the past or the present. Never mind all this. How are you to make sense of my story when I haven’t told you anything about Sudhamanad and my life there?

Sudhamanad! Sudhamanad…
All I have to do is say the name and a million memories would tumble and roll in my head. This would make me slightly dizzy as I was suddenly thrown off balance by the weight of it. Moreover, I was never allowed to withdraw a single memory from that lot. I could only feel the melancholy and after a few minutes, the guilt- the guilt of abandoning my people and denying them a place in “my past”. The guilt would always, invariably come but more than often, I would openly invite it. I would dowse myself in the guilt- enjoy it, celebrate it even. Maybe it made me feel like I’d paid the price or that I’d been punished (and rightly so) for the ‘sin’ I had committed.

The ‘Sin’? A big one! It’s the sin of lying about the past not only to myself but also my children. Yes. I am ashamed of it but the past is too complex for me to handle. What do I tell my children? That I received them as a gift from the neighbors?! Sigh! Regardless of how ridiculous it sounds, to the best of my knowledge, it remains a fact.

In Sudhamanad, there is the festival of the Gungutla (the childless). During the first week of spring, when champa starts to blossom, all the childless women of the tribe would gather around the imli (tamarind) trees. The childless women along with their men would stand at the centre and the other women (who would give away their new born as a gift to the deserving) along with their husbands would make the outer circle. The moment the sun rose, the eldest couple of the tribe would drink a glass of goat’s milk announcing the start of the festival. The men in the centre of the circle had to climb the trees and grab as many imlis as possible. Their wives at the bottom were in charge of grounding the imlis into a paste. The couple that had the largest quantity of the ground imli would get the chance to pick a baby of their choice. They would then name the child in the presence of its birth mother and father, the eldest couple and the members of the tribe. This naming ceremony marked the end of the ritual. There would be other added attractions too – tree climbing competitions, flame blowers, drum beaters etcetera.

Annaya always won the tree climbing competitions. There was not a faster climber than him in our or the next seven villages. So, years later, when he participated along with his wife (akka), no one doubted their chance to a win. That is how they received my Krish and Shruti. Three years later, akka passed away and the children were left in my care.

* * * *

Long ago in 1990, when I was 15, the Indian government released their new economic policy – liberalization, privatization and globalization. Under this economic model, they also launched a very ambitious project of achieving 100% literacy rate by 1995. My village – Sudhamanad was covered under this project and all my classmates were given scholarships to attend an English medium government school in a nearby town - Mangalore.

Annaya let me go as he believed in the cause of the State. But many of my friends did not turn up. Their parents believed that a sound knowledge of the forest we lived in was enough to ensure them a good life.

* * * *

Mangalore was completely different to how I had imagined it. I felt I was on alien land – there were those weird clothed people, the funny looking vehicles and their language… It was just … strange! As soon as I came I wanted to leave - no, run! But I thought of Annaya and mustered the courage to stay.

In the following months I realized that I had more pressing problems to take care of. People were giving me funny looks. My classmates were always noticing my acche (tattoo) of Nagappa, they constantly smelled my hair, they knew it just as well as I did that I could not speak their language and they always cast their escalator eyes on the way I had dressed. Then, they started nagging me – asking me where I had got that special perfume of mine. Their laughter often drowned my feeble replies. When I asked my teacher (with a choked voice nonetheless) what I could do about it, she would flatly say that I should stop wearing saris and instead wear pants and school shirts. So, I changed. I wore what they wanted me to wear, I left my hair open – just the way they liked it and pretty soon I learned to speak their language. Needless to say, I stopped wearing my anklets, nose rings and toe rings. Whenever I looked in the mirror, I would be shocked to see how much I resembled them but it only made me proud - my chest would swell, even if, just a little bit. So I came to hide every thing that lay within me – the caves, forests, animals, rituals and my people. From something I had to do consciously, it slowly became a habit and very soon a way of life for me.

* * * *

As a part of his school assignment, Krish was asked to cook his “traditional” food. When he had came home asking help for the same, that feeling of dizziness, of being thrown off balance had returned to me. I would feel the same when Shruti asked me to buy her anklets or nose rings for her Bharatanatyam classes. I was torn- the self being suspended between the past and the present. The future always seems bleak from such a position…

* * * *

But what was my mistake? When did I make the mistake? All I wanted back then was to make sense of my reality, my surroundings.
From something I had to do consciously, it slowly became a habit and very soon a way of life for me.

In a croaking voice...

If she tied strings around your heart and tugged at it a little hard,
would you leave?
Would you walk?(away)
Would you run?(to...)
Would you be calm?!
Would you reappear or merely "appear"?

When he called me back and told me how he missed me at night,
no, not as a passionate lover
but as something much more...
What could be much more, you ask.
Ah,I recognize that tone- I've heard it before.I'm not sure I like it.
I storm out and bang the door as I leave.



To,
Nishant
Richard
Mezack(I still don't know how to spell your name!)*Bows head in shame*
Ashwin (The only innocent thing here and the one I dearly love)
Krishnan
Rakesh
Aman
Ashish
Roshan
Aditya
Kevin
Manoj
Yatin
Chethan
Sudhamshu

I love watching chick flicks and reading chick lit. Okay! Not ALL the time! It makes me feel like there's so much more to me. Oh boy! Last post was about "MY" future, today I'm speaking about the "me". Narcissistic! Or is a blog essentially about the "I". AShwini, please accept things and DON'T be in denial! u are NARCISSISTIC! Hmph!

"Anybody there??"

I was, as usual, wondering about higher education. MY higher education to be precise. Last weekend I finished my first round of interviews for the Rhodes Scholarship. Wow! THAT was something... First, I had to build myself up- through my Statement of purpose, Resume,reference letters, etc. I applied for the M.St. in English and American Studies. Sigh~ But in the interview,I think they tore me. Tore me good. Oh but I mean that in a good way. I saw my faults- there's no denial.I saw HOW much MORE there is to knowledge, how I've conveniently left somethings out. Though I study Literature, I have never consulted visual or auditory text!! As an academician or as a student, I don't have the privilege of restricting myself! And for the first time, I was nervous during the interview- heart pounding, tongue tied et al. Yup! It happened! I walked out the door, feeling completely stupid! But on the brighter side, the whole experience showed me how lucky I am! SO many people love and respect me. They expect so much more from me and were so happy and proud of me! And no, it did not pressurize me, it made me work harder and be humble. I am so thankful to my family,friends and mentors.
For heavens sake I CAN'T be calm about this!!! Across the table were scholars judging ME! I was being considered for studying in OXFORD UNIVERSITY!! Oh lord!! I AM so proud of myself. I hope it will be an upward growth from here on. In a week I will find out whether am through to the next round or not. Fingers crossed!
And dear readers, please pray I do! It means the world!
Love,

ASH

P.S. I could not ignore this anymore and was wondering: While I bare my life and thoughts to this blog, is anyone at all reading? Is anybody there? Anybody home? or 'am I a hopeless romantic?!

:O

I saw the magazine. You were interviewed? Nice. Congrats!! Center page spread, huh? Neat! :)


THAT's what I WOULD HAVE said had you mentioned or forewarned me about the "girlfriend" bit!
Girlfriend?? A GIRLFRIEND???
How did you forget to mention THAT?? :O
Gulp. Fine! I know I should be happy for you but whatever, of course I am not exactly "thrilled" at the prospect of you dating someone... Yeah, it is awkward and I know you didn't mention her because of ...
AND oh-my-God, your cutesy smile. why? WHY? Couldn't you just pose with a straight face? F.Y.I, I totally love it! :D

Be good and do good ****(I STILL can't say it in public! :P)
Love always
Ash

P.S. Can you believe fucking fate??? DAD(of all people) bought home the magazine! :O :X Stop laughing! Not funny man. :|

For the readers: No matter how close you are to me, don't ask me about this post. I don't wanna talk about it. :)

Now I know...

I was reading "The inscrutable Americans" by Anurag Mathur and for the first time I understood why I connect with America even though I have never been there... Why, I feel so lost and uncomfortable in India. Why I want to move to some far away place. No, its not that I hate India. Seriously, how can I ? A more appropriate question would be "Can I ever hate India?" 'Am so Indian- So many of my principles are Indian, my dreams are Indian and my very being is Indian. How can the tree survive when it is uprooted? Simple as that.

But I sure think its important for me to be in America. More like New York. Something fast, individualistic and busy.

There is a glory in some of the things that are quintessentially American- the hot dogs, bagels, liberty bell, the pubs, the cars, the "individualism" in the society... I want to be a part of it all... a tiny weeny dot in the big bad city :) You know what I mean ;P

I don't know how people assume that 'am "not" patriotic towards India just because I said "There is a glory in some things American..." Really? That's supposed to show that I am not patriotic? My question here is: "Do I want to be patriotic? Is it such a good quality that I MUST cultivate it?" I don't think so... By the way, if you must know, I AM patriotic but not a fanatic or a nationalist. I just happened to notice many of my friends join this community on Facebook called "I'm an Indian. Be jealous"; It only got me cackling like an old hag! Seriously! Is THAT what you consider "PATRIOTISM"?? :O Hm... Some thinking to do?

I'll be brutally honest at this point: I do believe that America is a much better place than India in many, many ways. And vice versa. Peace.

Anyway, this post was supposed be about the book "The inscrutable Americans" and well, it twisted itself into something else.

Adios amigos,
Ash

Happy Birthday Aarzoo :)

First and foremost- Happy 19th Birthday zoo!! I can call you that, can't I? :) I'll take the liberty... I know it feels strange to read this letter- (a) It's a LETTER. So ancient! (b) Why didn't I just tell you this? Why a LETTER? :) Drop those questions for now. The answers will come. :) I promise.

I have known you since you were 5. You should remember: This letter was written way back in 2010. What's it now? 2022? Hope my math was right. At this point, I love you so much that I just want to be optimistic and use " I have known you" instead of "I knew you". "I have known you" would imply that I never lost you and spent many a waking moment with you. :) I do hope so dearie.

Your mom is an amazing woman and so is your dad. I know you love Tammy too.She is very special. In a sense, your mom gave me life and the strength to live that life. I owe her.:) But oh yes, this letter isn't about your mom, dad, Tam or your amazing family- Manoj, Ammachi and Remi; it's about YOU.

First and foremost, I want you to know that "I LOVE YOU".You will always occupy a special place in my heart.I don't know whether you knew it then, but the summer of 2010 was a very special one for me. It was a difficult period, yes, but also one that I treasure! Who am I kidding? It was one of the toughest times, zoo. But you somehow helped me through most of it. People had walked in and out of my life too often back then, but you held on. You chose me as your Godmother remember? I know it was all in good fun but I took the title seriously :) You were my baby. I wish I could say the same now but I know both of us will be embarrassed- It's cool. :) I just wanted to be loved by someone and respected at the same time too - unconditionally. My family loved me but they are FAMILY, you know. Yeah, Rambo(Suzy) loved me unconditionally. I wanted some attention and pampering but like you know, I am too egoistic to stoop down and SEEK attention. I never will. And there you were with the sweetest smile and the purest of hearts (same goes for Tam)- I remember the way you girls hugged my legs(yeah, that's how tall you were) that indeed, transported me somewhere else... All the attention you showered me and minus the pity- oh boy! If only adults could learn to do that! Or just your gentle voice, calling out : "Ashwini didi". The way you would ask me every single time: "Ashwini, sleepover today? Yay! Come... come..." Ha ha I never told you but my chest would puff up, even if a little bit . I want to really thank you. Somehow, telling you "thank you" or "love you" sounds funny- I am just stating the obvious! :P

Sorry, most of what 'am writing must be mushy and corny. My sincere apologies but I do mean it- Down to every single word!

Your mom and I shared a very special bond. She's been my guardian angel, sister, mother, friend, mentor all rolled into one. I wish I can do something for you. Remember, I am just a call away. Be it girl problems, family problems, or you just want to rant or tell someone how happy you are with your boyfriend- you can always come to me! :D I would love to listen to all of it and waltz you through it! Don't worry, Tammy will get her's in due course. For now, its your turn. Wondering where is your gift? All you have to do is reach out- it's waiting for you. :)

Happy Birthday! :)
For you, a thousand times over.
Love,
Ash

I was fifteen when I wrote this somewhere. Just wanted to keep an account of it here :)

Spooky
3 Aug, 2006 5:40 PM


Something’s so different today. The sinking feeling in d four of us- the clouds, the sudden drizzle.
Its waaaay too weird. The feeling that something’s going wrong... our fight with arjun and the way he used subs name. The way anup is all showing off and the sudden attention. The lump in my throat. The Goosebumps. The way pratek said bye, n all the color from our faces was drained. The endless silence yet noise. Something’s just not right...... I can’t place it.
Hope he's all right!
Fingers crossed.
Ash :-(


[Anup committed suicide the next day:| I should have told him what I felt.]


Happy Day
1 Dec, 2006 6:16 PM
I am really happy coz when u asked me tat question I saw how vulnerable u are! For the 1st time I felt like I was talking to YOU n not to the most popular person in the college. Thanks for an amazing day! U didn’t lose... think about it!!!
Love :-)
ash

[I still treasure this moment dude!]

Blurts!

- Have I ever mentioned this before? When photographers take pictures of old monuments or old people and give it this sepia tone they think it will represent a time gone by or you know, just anything that's AGED. Guys, here's a pointer - Nobody is buying that crap! Phew

- Okay, I got a new mobile! Which is BTW, totally awe- wait for it- some!!! :D

- Another thing: Since today is FRIDAY, I have been expecting a call from a little someone. During this incredibly long wait, I have received annoying messages from Domino's Pizza, Airtel, some solar company, Oh and "news" updates from India Today. :O

- Okay I did read this status message on Facebook... Boy! I wanna know what it means! I hate it when I get this urge to psychoanalyze things!!! :|

- In case you were wondering whether I was fine, glad to tell you, (surprisingly) I'm do'in just fine. THANK YOU.

- Oh, I really want to go on a long drive. Just my car and I, the music, the open road. Oh please- no wind-in-my-face crap!

-A cocktail and a smoke or a cup of strawberry/blackcurrant ice cream! Tempting! (OK I admit it! I thought Blackcurrant was spelt blackcurrEnt) :P hehe

- I have been watching 'How I met your mother' with the most zombie look ever...

-Thanks Tanvi, for all the calls yesterday. :) I really needed it...

Love,
Ash

The most important poem I have written :)

WHEN I FELT LIKE DADDY’S LITTLE GIRL

I was born in 1990
On a warm summer morning
They said I was a still born baby
And I heard you cried a lot.

Somehow the doctors saved me
And granny believes you love me.
But daddy,
Do you really?

We never see eye to eye,
And never say “hi” or “bye”
But I love you dearly
Though, I pretend otherwise.

Tears roll down my cheeks
When I think of how we craved:
You- just to listen to my voice.
I -just to hug you tight.

But today you held my hands
While the doctors drew my blood,
Knowing I was shit scared
And needed your comfort.

You taught me how to drive
And pointed out each pothole…
And I felt like I tasted heaven
When I felt like daddy’s little girl.

Daddy, please forgive me
For all the times I acted
Like you never mattered.
Now, I just love you so.

Love,
Tuthuri/Attu
a.k.a Ash

My first fictional poem!

WHEN THE WOUND IS STILL SORE


I wore braces and the glasses too, oh yeah
I wore hipsters and no, not the black uns!
So people thought ‘am “plain Jane”…
But he saw someth’in different,
He called me Mandy Moore.

I knew ‘twas a lie but
I badly wanted a guy.
So I went along with what he said…
‘Twas just a trick to get what he wanted-
A last minute date to the prom.

We quickly made out-
Lest we loose each other.
So it never took us long
To reach second base.

Then we grew up
And grew out of love.

I cheated myself,
Like he knew I would…

Now, here you are-
Showing me how to do a shuffle.
Barely knowing, I can salsa too.
You tell me ‘am pretty (I know that myself)
And that you want to date me.

You call me every night and
Tempt me with Eden’s apples.
You tell me you will be there
To see me through everything-
Oh really?

You whisper sweet nothings,
Assuming you can woo me.
But now, ‘am a strong woman-
I won’t fall for that old trick.

I cheated myself,
Like you knew I would…

You deserve to know why I said “no”-
Baby, how can I date you when
The wound is still sore?

Just a little one!

A few days back, I was having a conversation with my friend after a really long time. Yeah, we spoke of was & when and how so much has changed in our lives. She is finally letting go of her fears and giving herself a chance to date someone. I can imagine the joy and relief she is feeling. The moment she told me she was seeing someone, I yelped with joy and did my -what Tanvi calls- the horny dance.(I do it every time I am excited and elated. It is called the horny dance because... well...it looks like 'am ...never mind! Somethings are best left unsaid.)So, the bottom line is- I was very happy for her.I always felt she was snazzy and deserved things that were good. Oh,at this point I must mention, it is because of her help that I somehow passed my French exams. And it is because of the faith she showed in me that today, God bless, I love the subject and I am managing pretty well! :) Thanks da!

All my friends knew about "him" and what happened later. This summer was special because I broke away from that twisted, toxic thing I had with him. I let go of some of my friends, so obviously, this year has been a bummer in the "relationships" department. :)But I am so close to my dream now... I can almost touch it and that feels so great! :D So while she is celebrating the "us", I am celebrating the "me" :) And this is such a good moment for both of us that I told her... "Hey, you know what? I feel like Life is hugging us."
She replied, "It is Ash! Finally!It is our time under the sun."
And I couldn't agree more!
Cheers to us babe!
And long live womanhood :P (Come one, I had to say something feminist!)
Luv,
Ash

P.S. LIFE IS HUGGING US!

My mobile!

Sitting in my boxers and tees, wondering how to kill time, I logged onto Facebook. Found sneha online. And this is how the conversation went-

Sneha: yoy! You got the call?(7:49pm)
Ash: Nope! my mob is a goner
So no one can call
:( I am desp! I want my mob I want it! I want it!
Sneha: what happened???
Ash: Gud story wanna listen? :P
Sneha: sure! always up for a story!
Ash: See, AAA (BBB aunty's daughter) has pee probs k?
But yesterday she forgot to get up n pee so she peed on bed. So wat u may say? Here is what
Ash: B4 sleepin,she n I were listenin to songs on my mob. She hit it by mistake n it fell behind d bed. Their bed is very heavy so wit gr8 difficulty we moved it n finally got d mob
Sneha:ooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhmmmmmmmmmmmmmyyyyyyyyyggggggggggggggooooooooooood
i thot water..!! pee???? eeeewwwwwwwww!:D sry for ur loss though :P

Ash:So d whole night I was clutchin on to my mob cause I was worried it would fall
Obvi after I fell asleep, it slipped n was somewhere near my knees
5am I woke up startled
relealised I was soaked in pee nfound d pee was in my mob as well!
So that is my sad state of affairs@
:(
I want my mob! I want my mob!
Sneha:poor u.. u shud have separated dat battery :P
somehow this is funny!
:D but very very sorry !
fo rur loss.. when is it going to be fine?
gave it to repair?
Ash:Nope not yet
Gau said let it dry for half day more
It is all dried
But the whole screen is white
I cannot see anything else
Tomo afternoon will giv it
I am feelin handicapped!
You wanna kno what foolish thing I did?:
Dont tell Gau plz

Sneha:yes sry sou ge call maadi kotte.
now i m free

Ash:Ok :) I realised d mob was smellin so I took incense sticks n tried to smoke out the vapor n smell frm mob
THAT is when it stopped working
DO- NOT- LAUGH!

Sneha:OMG! u r an item!

Ash:
:( What u doin now?
Ok I gtg. After talkin to you, I am missing my mob more! :(
Bye! Hmph~
all sadists :P

Sneha:
hey..i was just finding out from my frd
if he had xtra cell
for u.. ur sim is working rite?

Ash: :(

Sneha:yene? (In Kannada,meaning "What")

Ash:Yes it is...I feel so bad! 1 I dont have a mob
2 I cant believe the mob meant so much to me

Sneha: chill ya.. it ll be fine in 3 days :)
i think i can get u a cell for the time being.. he told he'll see if its still woeking.. its no hi5 posh mob but good enuf to
call n msg :)

Ash: ok thanks :)Plz see I might just need it for 2-3 days
I had a spare too... Cant find it

Sneha:i can get it if he has it tomo only..


Ash:
Thanks But still what if my mob can never be right again??
I love it :)

Sneha:lol.. it just got drenched!
in pee! :D
it'll be fine!
it might stink. but it ll be fine :)

Ash: No it smells like incense sticks :P
I fell off the chair now! :( Hurt my foot n broke the chair! Guess am accident prone today :|

Sneha:rofllllllllllll!!!!!

Ash:NOT funny-again!

Sneha:u have noclue!!
it is!! i got a tummy ache...

(8:23pm)
Ash:Let's hope this is not ur dinner time story . Ok let me go down n stuff somethin down my throat! :| Thanks a ton man
Buh bye
Tc

* * * * * * * *
Like Muthu said, you never know, THIS just might be shown on Ripley's :P
But the one thing I am not at all feeling good about is that I have lost all my contacts which were added in the last 6 months! :( But on the bright side, Ashwin's number is still there. :D

Love,
Ash

Vacations - Trip to Goa :)

I am still in Goa- actually, on the train bound to Bangalore. So, this was supposed to be my five day vacation- away from work.

* * *

So much on my mind and so little time to blog... Okay, let me cut the crap- I feel like such a hormone struck teenager right now. Cool breeze. The "choo chooo" of the train, middle aged women trying to get their children to sleep, Tanvi cuddled up in her seat and me- with a bundle of emotions, thoughts, writing in stark darkness... And that is how I like it. :)

I think I have a story to tell but I want to give it time...

* * *

So, back to the top? Yeah. Vacation. Goa. Sun, sand and surf ( I know Mr. Orwell is turning in his grave! :P). Smoke. Booze. WITH friends.

* * *

Another try. Positive. + . Think Po-si-tive bitch!
* * *
Hm, inspired by Kerouac 's "On the road "- there is something that happens to a person when they read it. Something threatening- a...a rebellion... an attitude...feeling gutsy! Maybe that is why I have not completed it?

My mind wonders... The things I bought- The Buddha, Tibetan flag (must remmember to ask Thup den about it!), stuff from Anjuna flea market, a broken stirrer from a Margarita ( That wasn't bought huh? I think this is a list of souvenirs then) and oh, the leather stuff...

The trip has been amazing 'cause I got to know many people. For starters-
1. Tanvi - Must say, you are not high maintenance! People do not know you yet :)
2. Binayak- Dude! How come we were in the same class for fucking two years?? NOW I will miss you :) I still laugh thinking about your "get/need more grass" story :D ha ha.
3. Thup-den - Forgive me if I spelt your name wrong. You are "Oh- so- cute"! I love your stoned smile. :) I thank you for giving Sid, Tanvi and me some space in the cab! Meant a lot to me and totally appreciate it! :)
And yes, I will remember-
a.Tibet and what is happening there.
b. Do not buy Chinese stuff!( Sorry cannot give up on their food though!).

* * *

DAY 1. Location : Majestic bus stand, platform No.1

Mr. Bow decides to bring Old Monk (!) mixed with Pepsi. Take a swig. Some curse. Some smile. Mr.Bow is extremely excited! Hunt for the loo is on! After 15 mins, Sid points out one- disgusting! Repulsive! But the need to... Finally on the bus and on our way.

Mints-check! Mobile-Check! Luggage- check!Fags-check! Chocolates-check! Cash- who cares? Must be somewhere and lip balm? Oh boy! Totally in!

As I recall, this has been the best bus journey I have ever had. Staying up the whole night, speaking to Tanvi, Anna , Binayak and the others. I still remember, ha ha, the silly "black magic" thing we were discussing... :P

Discussing all crazy shit- from books, drugs to life at large. Anna, must say, I know I took you by surprise and yeah, you surprised me too! :) Gurl, missed you on the second part of the trip. And YOU DID NOT WEAR THE DRESS! :)

Ha ha! Sid, I heard your hostel "experiences" :P Can't forget easily, can I ? ;)

{... knee hurts. What the fuck! The table is rattling like a rabid dog! But I still have to write. Listening to "Hey you" by Floyd - thanks Sid! Perfect song for this mood! And GUY-ES (*wink* he he) no, I am no Über cool person who listens to Floyd, Doors, Beatles or whoever... Maybe it helps to know that the next song I played was "Zindagi" by Ganesh Hegde. Next in line was "Hotel California". I listen to Hip-hop and just love that junk :) }

Finally everyone falls asleep. But- oh my god- the Ghats! In turns I kept lolling on to Anna and Saqib. Nausea. Not good. Getting worse. Wake up!
Bus stops. Broken commodes- relief again- at least for those who are bold enough to venture into the "uncertain", if you get what I mean... The first smokes light up. Smiling faces again. Chole with rubbery maida sheets ( We all know what happened later- ROFL)!

Next stop- morning six. Backpacks, smokes and coffee ambled in and out of the bus. Oh... hm... The feel of humid air... Anywhere near Goa? Pif! Karwar they say.

Back on the bus, talking and me back to lolling, listening to Anna 's and my play list alternatively. And now... relief. Everyone beat but eager. Eager to...

{Lights out again! How the fuck is a person supposed to write in here? then again, how the fuck is a person supposed to sleep in here, eh?}

The mind often wanders...

{Oh! By the way, people in India are very sweet. People in here noticed me writing and they wanted me to switch on the light! Wow! Makes me happy :) But I declined the offer...}

Time- 10.30 A.m
Location- Bus/Taxi stand. Panaji.

Yay! Woohoo! Grab taxis! Hey, I do not climb buses in Bangalore! Why would I take one here? And ditto for the group!

Days 2, 3, 4, blah blah coming up :) Man, this trip was like a movie I think!
By the way, I tried a new style of writing. :P This style of writing has only one rule -"Follow no grammatical rules"

Love,
Ash :)

10 things I wanna wanna wanna do! :P

1. Go to Mangalore! I am dying to be there! :( Sigh!
2. Dance... Wait! I wanna dance in an empty audi... With the spotlights on me... Either freestyle(solo) or salsa/Tango with a guy who cannot dance :P(quirky? I know!)
3. Have a sleepover at sneh's or Shobi's place. :) Love you girls!
4. Go to the gym right now!
5.Walk in the rain! No, not with the "love of your life"! Jesus! Walk alone...
6.Cry... Get these stuff out of my system...
7. It is Rambo's birthday! So I wish I could take him swimming somewhere! :)
8. I wish I could talk to Ashwin. The fool is not picking my calls!! Guess who will regret it later? *smirk*
9. When did I learn to giggle like a fool?! Wish I could stop...
10. I want classes to start! (Yeah roll your eyes...no, no go on...)

Certificate Course Assignment :) Take a lookie

EVALUATING NED BLOCK’S AND DANIEL DENNET’S CONVERSATIONS ON CONSCIOUSNESS

Before the classes on consciousness had begun, I used to often wonder why the Department of Psychology was offering a course on “boring” consciousness. The Unconscious was more exciting to me. But how wrong I was! The study of consciousness is not easy, firm, or a given. Consciousness was not any of that!
On the completion of our course, we have been asked to analyze at least two interviewees from Susan Blackmore’s book – Conversations on consciousness. For the above mentioned purpose, I have chosen the interview of Ned Block and Daniel Dennett.
* * *
Daniel Dennett is known for his rejection of the Cartesian theatre in favor of his theory of multiple drafts. The theory of
Multiple drafts views the mind in terms of information processing. It supports the possibility of Artificial Intelligence. Dennett is influenced by Darwin’s evolutionary perspective and this becomes obvious in the following lines-
“We have been created by the process of evolution, both genetic and cultural.”(Pg. 83)
I agree with him on the problem with consciousness- We are things with a point of view, and with the capacity to reflect on that point of view and talk about it. We are trapped within that point of view.
Therefore, our first problem is that ability to know more about our own nature. Also, so many people have intuitions about consciousness, that it has become a struggle to get people working in consciousness to start abandoning their views.
Ned Block is known for his critic on functionalism (arguing that a system with the same functional states as a human is not necessarily conscious), thought experiments like Chinese nation/ China brain and distinction between access and phenomenal consciousness.
He takes the hard problem head on! He feels the problem is “what is consciousness?” The other problem according to him is that there is no progress in studying phenomenology. Phenomenology is primarily concerned with the systematic reflection on and analysis of the structures of consciousness, and the phenomena which appear in acts of consciousness.
Dennett says he has given up the idea of zombie hunch. Ned Block on the other hand believes in one type of the philosopher’s zombie- therefore he came up with the idea of China brain- a zombie that functions like the human brain but physically looks nothing like it. On the other hand, he does not believe in the kind of zombie David Chalmers believes in.
We can also notice that Dennett is very clear and confident of his answers. He is lucid and takes time to explain his opinions. Ned Block is not very clear/ expressive/articulate and often gets jumbled when questioned by Blackmore.
Both of them do believe that they have free will. Ned goes on to explain that if we take a deflated idea of free will, he has free will and if we take an inflated idea of free will- he lacks it. Ned block distinguished between Access consciousness and phenomenal consciousness. Dan, however, felt that it was a false distinction and it will disappear.
When questioned whether studying consciousness changed the way they viewed themselves, Ned replied it had while Dennett felt it never came as a surprise to him. Ned advocates Phenomenology which studies subjective experiences. Dennett prefers heterophenomenology- scientific, third person study of consciousness.
It is important to note that both of them reject the idea of a Cartesian theatre.
Ned believes that the physiology of the human brain determines our phenomenology, i.e., he believes that consciousness is generated in the brain. He defines the self as a constellation of states that interact with each other. Dennett defines the self as “the agent” and by that he refers to the whole body.
Dennett mentions the top- down theory of creativity: that it takes a big fancy thing to make a less fancy thing. Potters make pots, pots don’t make potters. Therefore, we must be made by something more wonderful still, which is God. He feels the only possibility of a life after death is through being popular even after death, especially in the case of celebrities. He feels his best work is his move towards counter-intuitiveness. In relation to qualia, he feels that we have to recognize that however unanalysable, indissoluble, however intrinsically present that all seems to us, what has to be explained is that it seems to us and not that it is really so.
“Those are two halves you have got to explain. And people – wonderfully conveniently for them, and inconveniently for the truth – forget that it seems that way to the zombie too.”
When he uses the word truth, I have a problem there. He somehow forgets the philosophical debate surrounding the idea of “truth” (borrowing from Aristotle, Kant and Nietzsche). Dennett masterfully uses elements from the field of arts and science (referring to C.P Snow’s essay “Two Cultures”). C.P Snow feels that to make developments in human knowledge we have to bridge the gap between the scientist and the artist. When Dennett uses the word “truth” it seems paradoxical because C.P Snow has clearly mentioned that when scientists’ aim to find the truth, they get caught in the moral un-neutrality of science; on the other hand, Dennett is very proud that his heterophenomenology is a very scientific method. According to Dennett the solution to the problem of consciousness lies in making oneself big, really big. The deadly error is to retreat into the self. Dennett is not one of those who believe that after we explain the various processes in the brain like learning, memory, reasoning etc., there will still remain the problem of “you have left something out” – consciousness. That is why he rejects the idea of Cartesian theatre.
The best way (as of now) to deal with both Ned Block and Dennett is to adopt the eclectic position i.e. to use the best they both have to offer. I do feel more connected with Dennett’s stance regarding consciousness and I believe we should take the route of heterophenomenology. Ned Block’s distinction between access consciousness and phenomenal consciousness is very useful in removing confusions regarding phenomenology of consciousness and I am in favor of it.


-Ashwini K

You are such a faker, you know that,
All the..."oh! I don't get involved in all this",is such a give away!
But...why are you like this?
Lemme look at your history.

Your mom wanted you to be a rose but you could not,
so came the mount of gook.
You always wanted to prove that you can be soft,
So,you batted your lashes all the time.

There was this guy whom you adored,
but he liked your petite, glam friend.
oh!The rage you felt! so, you started donning that wretched halter.
He would glance at you once, but that was it.

Your English teacher.How can you forget?
How you drank the whole dictionary to impress her with your "incomprehensible" words?
You slept at 4 A.M. every time before her class.
Damn! Those dark circles!

Sometimes when your maternal aunt commented on your pathetic manners with elders,
you tried your level best not to spread your legs apart and sit,
And say "please" and "oh, that's not a problem" a thousand times.

How many times you forced yourself to have that awful drink...
You don't even know its name!
All in the name to show that you are something different.
You can never forget the way you cried...when you puked.

You always hated the way your hair looked,
straightening, conditioning and the works...
It looked nothing less than a nest.
But do you still hate it?

You love celebrating your birthday.
You want that guy to fawn over you.
You hate those black pumps.
How you yearn to say that you still love Aqua.

You are such a big faker.
I can see it so well now. But you know what?
It doesn't make a difference, 'cause you simply can't see who you are anymore...
I've lost you ... my friend.

-MARINA PAULOSE