So cluleless!!!

Have you ever been so happy that you are now sick of it?? So used to giving love and expecting nothing in return(which was okay before)that it tires and ties you down?! You want to read a book but are not able to complete it because your schedules are so hectic?? (it irks me!) You love food but because of some unknown reason you stick to bread and eggs??
I think what am trying to say is that when your body and mind are exhausted, the things you loved doing become just another chore, be it eating,loving someone, smiling, etcetera.
Summer is a season i completely relish in - it is beauty for the eyes and for my mind(memories linked to summer).

I am so tired now -of fighting against little things like prejudices,falsehoods,oppression, hypocrisies, to name just a few. These were my little battles, not for myself but to whom so ever it was a problem! Somehow i was born well-off, but the story is so different for many others in India, particularly Karnataka (the place i deal with). Sometimes i feel like running away from my country, my past! Its so stupid- its culture, its people, its policies are so oppressive! Feel as if nothing is good enough here! I mean, can you believe it, our minister of state said "pub culture is not our culture" and imposes a ban on night life?! What a barbarian!! Totally crazy! And now valentines day! Seriously are we nuts?! And being a women is difficult and challenging in this country(not concerned about other nations) because we are SUPPOSED to assume a few roles but I don't connect to those roles!! So where do "I" stand?
This was never a problem before, somehow i had the will to fight but suddenly i feel pessimistic... The word FEMINISM scares Indian men so much! Why?? (evil smirk)

This is just one of the issues that tire me. There's academics! Have my exams coming up and its slightly pressurizing me. I want to get into Harvard or Princeton or maybe Yale for Psychology and for that my grades and GPA should be "up there!" :) Also, i joined a diploma course in GENDER and CULTURE now i hear we are expected to write a research paper for that! ha ha so am literally drunk on work! Again this could be good 'cause with my love life gone wall hay-wire i think it would be good "distraction" :P he he
Now that i have mentioned my love life, I might as well tell you the whole story!See, the thing is, the first few weeks after i met him i told some of my close friends about it. That would include my classmate, two other girls my age and my idol , among other people. Now, all of the people who knew this had one thing to say,"Him?? You can do better than that! Can't you pick someone better?? seriously Ash! Him?? You're a whole league above him! He's so kiddish he might pee when he sees how intense you are!" and this somehow did not go well with me! He wasn't this bad! I knew that! but when so many people see the same thing, you start to wonder if they are right... But i had to prove myself that i was right! All I wanted was to help him to help himself...
Now, the story has changed... I realized that what they said is true and I knew that all along... but i DO like him! He gave me vibes that show he cares two hoots for me! that has left me a little perplexed i must say. I asked him not to kill the butterflies, but he did that to attain all the joy in the world!

But out of all these the thing that annoys me the most is the fact the i have'nt been spending time with RAMBO, my 9month lab! awwww... my love! my baby jambo :P hmmm... the thought of him makes me feel serene...

ASH

7/11/09

A STRING OF THOUGHT….
Ya-aw-wn! Never been this drained out or sleepy… So decided to jump on this rick (auto) and go home. Well, as usual, my mind wanders about… drifting in and out of reality and suddenly it settles on this man- the driver. Nothing fascinating would meet your eyes unless…Unless… you kind of concentrate on his driving style. Okay you must be wondering,”What is she saying?” Well, so am I! : P
REFRESH! REFRESH!!
Okay now about the driver…: P Nope! I have not given up yet! He he
Hmmm… My eyes suddenly settled on him and I noticed the white mop (you could call it his hair: P) and just how aged he was! It was only then I realized that we were moving at a snail’s pace! :O But more than being slow, I realized how dignified he was in his driving, how he adhered to all traffic rules which can rarely be expected from the Bangalorean traffic! And as my mind dwelled and got absorbed in its object of fancy, it came up with deeper questions…
Questions like: “What is his story?”, “who is he?”, “why does he drive an auto?”,”Did his children send him to an old-age home perhaps?” or “Is he happier than me right now?!” and so on… I am still musing over them… Expecting to arrive at an answer is sheer madness!!! Only he could tell and I hadn’t asked.
The auto stops and I realize its time to get down and get going…
I paid and resisted the urge to tip him (never do that in Bangalore!) and around I turned to thank him… And then I discovered the truth… he was deaf.
* photo by meehee!! He he

[IF]

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you
But make allowance for their doubting too,
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream--and not make dreams your master,
If you can think--and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings--nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much,
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And--which is more--you'll be a Man, my son!

--Rudyard Kipling

A LOVE LETTER

To Dearest Jo

Your anger is a piece of cake to handle and now I know WHY God put ME into your life-'cause I can handle your anger better than you.
In real life,they say, when you love a person truly,you know that person better than you know yourself.And I truly don't know who JO is, but I know YOU. JO can be many things to many people. In fact, You can be many things to yourself! Sometimes you may love yourself,sometimes you may not, sometimes you think you are the best and sometimes the worst, sometimes life seems beautiful and sometimes uncertain and unpredictable...
But...
I Love You!!
I Love you when you hate me.
I Love you when you hate yourself.
I Love you when you are nothing.
I Love you when you are everything!
I Love you even if its none of my business
I Love you in joy
Still Love you in sorrow
I Love you in health
Love you and need you more in sickness
I Love you when you are rich
Love you dearly when you are poor...
honey, you may not be Mr.Universe but you are Mr.Mine :)

-Love(still not tired of saying it! :P)NNA

*This letter was written by my friend NNA... I really liked it! I think its place is here...

The colors of Life

Today will be a nice day, I tell myself
Today is a nice day, I believe
I saw the mirror yesterday
And did not recognize myself
But today its different...
I see...myself!

The mirror is a funny thing you see,
It always lies
But today I see the Truth- Les couleurs de la vie! (colors of life)

In the mirror,am crystal clear.
There is a ASH there.
In my eyes are reflected the coolrs of my life.
There is sadness,happiness,fears,tears,love,confidence,weakness,courage,passion and the things that make life.

The mirror shows the future too-it reflects my mind's eye...
There is a him, a me, a family,a dog ...
And children of my own.

But today is a different day, I tell myself.
It is a day to build that future.
Yesterday, I thought, you were my future.
But today is a fresh start as you are no longer there!

Oh how funny, the colors of life are!!

-ASH

*I wrote this poem for my French exam and this is a translated work. Hence it might seem like few lines end abruptly!

WASTED!

Its been a crazy morning,I feel hollow or maybe numb.
I had been happy for so long,have forgotten how to hide my tears...
Am standing at the doorstep,waiting for YOU-to see you,to hear you,to feel you on my skin.
Its cold outside,but I can take it, 'cause am frozen from within.
Am trying hard not to cry,because I know I made a big mistake!
The problem is not with you,its just that i Love you!
I can't stand it,my baby, when you walk hand in hand with her...
I feel...
That I wasted it all on you...
Wasted my love on you!!
-ASH


*please note that the picture was not taken in connection with this... One of my friend had it on her hand. It kind of goes with this poem! :)