If this is called LIFE or GROWING UP...

There are some stories inspired by life and some you coax out of yourself and then there are those that you MUST write... This is one such story. A story of my mistakes that I am proud to narrate because they brought me to some of the best things - my friends. Some of them will have privacy issues and hence all their names have been changed. I don't write this to blame 'em or blame myself, but to just acknowledge (for the first time) that we were all right and we were all wrong.

I have heard that while writing "On the Road"(1957), Jack Kerouac stayed up one night and during that duration, he wrote his novel never knowing that it would define a generation! And today,I've experienced something like that... A need to write ENDLESSLY. To go ON and SAY IT! Say it...

Before I start I must confess that right now, my emotional state is one mixed with elation, nostalgia and extreme depression (well, not suicidal!).I know that I am in a position where I feel none of my friends are WITH me although they are THERE for me... Some I know are being honest and some continue to lie whilst others are indifferent. There is this void I can feel because simply put, I am lonely- the others have found their happy homes. Its not too surprising that I started my story with what happens in the end- I have always hated those authors who keep you waiting till the end and the end ain't even worth it!

So, here is the end. Me.Typing.On the comp. At 12.15 A.M.

The immediate event leading to this being, looking through all our pics on the comp. I do not know if we will ever meet again or keep in touch. Some are planning on loafing around after college, while others have marriage on their minds and the rest wanna get into a university.

The story starts wa-aa-ay back in 2003 when I joined Carmel Convent. I had loved my previous school but my parents definitely didn't share the same view. So here I was in a new school and I was already late for my class-The school assembly had already started and I was busy staring at faces. That evening, my classmate (Monisha)introduced me to two girls in the school van- A and B.
Now, A and B were friends through out pre- school and all the way till high school.
Few years later i met 'em again in Christ college, year 2005-06. We were to be classmates throughout pre-university!!Woohoo! (Woohoo??)

Then we became quite a gang and others joined us- c(i loved her for her knowledge but everyone thought she was snobby, D- I don't remember about her and E who was well, "clingy" back then?? Can't say for sure. We had more than our share of fights which needless to say were downright stupid and silly.It always had someone feeling "ignored'/"left out" and resulted in leaving at least one person crying. Ha ha usually, it would be D. I guess she was sensitive. But we had some kick-ass fun too!!! Totally memorable and not just because "it-happened-to-me"! The fights... they increased and left us tired and bitter. Mais, we were friends!!! Hm...
At the time I had another set of friends- Indu, Nidhi and my all time fav- Ashwin!!!
He seriously is my sweetheart!( By the way, he and I have been friends for over 12yrs!! Even now I keep meeting him). He has always been the wise-goose! :)

Because it was so much fun being with the three of 'em, I never was very close to the others. I was sick of their politics and petty fights... Some were too orthodox for me to handle.( Today, I have learnt to accept them as well :) )

At one point, I was so close to both the group of friends! To cut a long story short, I had a horrible fight with Indu and eventually i repeated that with Nidhi. I had lost them both - forever. I have tried to call and straighten things out- they still haven't been able to forgive me and I don't blame them whatsoever.

By the summer of 2008, things were just getting worse. I realized I had befriended a wrong set of people- no, not that they were bad, but I think we were never meant to be a group or at least, I wasn't meant to be a part of that group. I love 'em all- INDIVIDUALLY. Its like, when in a group, they are at their sarcastic best! I don't understand. They COMPETE when in a group and I am no less...

WE are in our second year of graduation. Current status: A is no longer a part of our group. She was mercilessly "eliminated" as she was not "open-minded" enough. Ashwin is not here- he is doing his B.E ( we are doing B.A). C and D are in the same class and are happy. I think they are really good! Especially C without whom I cannot even dream of passing my French exams! :) B and E are in the same class. B has changed so much ( for the worse), I cannot fathom that I know her.

Introducing... Two new characters- G and H ( since I am the "F") :O
G was my best bud throughout these two years!!! Oh my, she and I were a wild bunch. I kinda miss her now but I know (for sure) I am better off without her.I am sick and tired of baby-sitting her all these days!! But damn! I love her! :D

Enter H- The guy Ashwin hated but i loved. (ziiiiiip!) He is (also!) not a part of my life now and I kinda, sorta miss him. He was fun alright!

G had become a part of our group- she and I were a team! Speak about her later under another topic.
G , C and I went o Kerla- G's hometown and I was looking through those pics on the comp and i realized that I AM MADLY IN LOVE WITH ALL MY FRIENDS. Its sad that all our priorities have changed. We are all moving in different directions!!! I am trying to hold a grip on the sands of time .I can see I am failing miserably! :)
C and D are very polite and are courteous-they respect what we have been through as friends. G is not to be seen or heard at all. I like it that way. Its been 6 months since H left. F is... well, fucked up but in a way, calm and peaceful. B and E are seething- they believe that they haven't redeemed themselves-YET.

So, basically, THIS is my sad state of affairs... :)

Oh freak! Ram is howling and it is so eerie... When he howls, I am reminded of the woman from "The Yellow Wallpaper" by Charlotte Perkins Gilman.

I think I can hear footsteps- no, yes, no, I am just hallucinating!

OKAY!I AM PANICKING! DON'T PANIC! AM PANICKING! DAMN! ITS 2 A.M.WHOSE THERE??!! I AM PANI- HIC- ING! PANCI-

Psychology after Foucault

This is an assignment I wrote.

With the risk of sounding clichéd, I would like to state that as I recall, I did not know what to expect when I joined the course- Psychology after Foucault. The previous semester, I had joined another certificate course by CSCS on Gender and Culture; hence I had expected the “suffering” to be a part of it. Though (objectively) I had decided that I would not let this (Gender and Culture) course “get to me”, it invariably did! After knowing about the ‘other’ (often neglected) side of “our world” it becomes difficult to ignore it, to not CHANGE and QUESTION your day to day activities, attitudes, prejudices and thoughts-especially those that stereotype. My problem was dealing with the dichotomies- black and white, right and wrong, life and death, man and woman, et cetera. And that brings me to a dichotomy which forms the central element of Psychology- reason and unreason. The course promised to address it and that brought me to more “suffering” (as Anup would have it called!).

During the course, we studied madness- its origin (in a sense), causes and effects and Who is wielding its power by reading ’The History of Madness’ by Michelle Foucault. To put it simply- as a student of psychology and literature, I was the one who would get the “privilege” to exercise that power (I know, duh!). Through the use of Language, I would be installing and widening the gap between reason and madness; through Psychology, I would be using this distinction between reason and unreason/madness as if it were a given, a natural.

The effect of this course was felt in both, my public and private spheres (ironic that I am using another dichotomy!). Private because firstly, I am questioning and re-thinking my decision to study Psychology and wondering how I can work my way through this problem if I do make the decision to practice psychology. Secondly, I no longer have the confidence to judge or to criticize anything because suddenly my faith in knowledge (that I possessed) about myself, others and things around me has been shaken. Public because simply, after reading Foucault; I cannot innocently nod when my psychology lecturer speaks about the ways in which we can “cure”/”treat” the unreasonable, the mad. Something is just not right there and it needs to be changed, altered or at least be dealt with!

As long as I can remember, my only problem with people was that they did not have a purpose in life or some were just not “serious” enough. They could laugh at all things silly and that made them “stupid” but Foucault taught me that I (badly) needed a paradigm shift. Who is to say “stupid” is not the way to live? Or in other words “not being stupid” is the way to live?! (Am I confusing here??)

Also, there is no longer a dying urge to justify my actions. For instance:

I used Foucault to read the poem ’Theme for English B’ by Langston Hughes, with the class.

In the poem, the instructor (white) asks his students to write a page and to keep it “true”. The poem mostly is a response by one of his students (colored).

An extract from the said poem:

“As I learn from you,
I guess you learn from me
although you're older and white
and somewhat more free.”

These lines show that knowledge is two dimensional. Both the reasonable (the teacher) and the unreasonable (the student) interact and learn from each other. When I took this observation to class it resulted in a heated debate where I eventually lost my temper and banged my fists on the table. Being me, I would have apologized profusely and would have been embarrassed. BUT after Foucault happened, I feel that even though my behavior has been understood as “unreasonable”, it is okay by me because at least I was being true to myself. I feel that if I am “unreasonable” at times, it is okay to express it and there is no need to be apologetic about it or fear it and suppress it!

For the time being, I deal with Foucault and my “sufferings” (“I” can “see” Anup smiling) by believing in psychological realism- the belief that each one experiences reality in different ways, according to their psyche. In other words- there is no reality, only perceptions. And there is no right or wrong perception.

Like Pascal said, “men are so necessarily mad, that not being mad would be being mad through another trick that madness played.”

Post "contemplations"

Hm.... this is going to be a long one.
Firstly, I need to announce: I am planning on pursuing honors in psychology! That is it! Decided! A done deal - no more doubts! I met my HOD along with Sid and he told us about the six papers and two electives- we have consumer psychology, media and psychology, sports psychology, abnormal psychology (duh!), forensic psychology(drool), industrial psychology, social psychology and yup, a RESEARCH PAPER( totally rad!). Now I am all excited and looking forward to it! And the cherry on the cake?? OUR CLASSES ARE IN THE NEW BLOCK! :P ha ha Alors, ici est ma grande plan : I do honors in psychology, MS in clinical (from Christ University), work with Tani (approx 2 yrs), write GRE and TOEFL and Voilà - get into Harvard. Okay, laugh all you want, and if it helps-you can imagine am sloshed :O IMAGINE!

I am really tired today- long, lazy day I've had. Y-aw-n. I also met my friend's crush or as she claims "love"(no mockery intended). I kind of told her that he sucks and after that, I can just hope that she is not hurt... I mean, all this time, all that I have ever done is lie- in one way or another- to my friends. I always try NOT to comment negatively - hey! i don't want to hurt 'em or worse, confront them. I have always tried to be "optimistic" or so I would like to believe. But today, I wanted to change that. So what if I hurt her, at least I will tell the truth - I could never picture them together. And when she asked me why i felt so, i could not explain. I can never explain! I just KNEW it, the same way I knew 'he' and I were not meant for a-'forever'. So, I did not see the point in lying to her, even if it was going to keep her happy temporarily. I can be "optimistic" and be her best buddy by doing it, but I will not stoop that low! I don't want her to build fantasies that someday, somewhere, in some cosmically perfect moment, they will become man and wife ( or to make it less dramatic- a couple). Nobody is polite to me when they say things for my betterment. And I honestly believed that I was helping her...
Why do I think so much?!

It is quite surprising that I have not written a word about the bitch or her slut of a mother. I know that is a vile thing to say but believe me, you would have said worse! Its just that, I don't know how anyone can be so manipulative, in this case, both the mother and her daughter. My whole class hates her (well, almost) and all I wanted to do was to help her. She made a fool out of me!! Crazy woman!
Sigh!
(call for dinner)


Oh fuck! Rambo started barking! OW! My ears!

'night!

Ash




P.S. Ahem, I remember the day you offered to buy me a gift (to repay for my kindness or maybe, to keep your balls in place)... OK two more months for my Birthday-if you remember, and I was hoping (also, looking-forward-to) ah, receiving one from you (now that you have a job and the money isn't your father's)! :P

In case you have, um, similar intentions, I just wanted to give you a little hint- I hate chocolates, clothes(what were you thinking?! I am not under privileged!), no "dinner together"please! To cut a long story short, I would just love a book! No, please, not MILLS and BOONS- I've heard porn is better!! ;)

contemplative

I am seriously trying to understand my reason for writing this piece… I am feeling so down in the dumps. Sigh! Is this catharsis? I have my doubts about that. For all I know, maybe I think someone will read my blog and take pity on me! Anyway, I really don’t care!

Well, I know my dreams, but are they my “DREAMS”?? You must be wondering what am I saying here, it’s just one of those-what-is-my-purpose-in-life-thing. I always thought I wanted to be a psychologist, but now I do not feel a burning passion for it! On the other hand, I feel that way about American literature! I don’t know if my Literature professor has something to do with that! : P Okay, jokes apart, I am also not getting good support from my friends and family (for the first time). They try to convince me that Indian education is better. But my argument is not that, all I want is a chance. A chance to be what I want to be, what I need to be- in all entirety! :O I know many people won’t get my point, none the less I must try.

I look at America as my land, not India. In life, I just grew up too fast. And back then I read a lot of books- American books and since then I think American… No, let’s not get into patriotism issues. That’s another hell-hole.

So, this, here is my chance to visit that land, philosophy, culture that kept (keeps) me sane. People around me just don’t get it- there are two things I dream about- not money, fame, success, good health, et cetera. One, I dream of starting a home, a life, in America, the other is not-so-important (for now).

Gulp. I am both, spoilt of choices and contemplating my stance.

I must sign off now.

Big plans

29/03/09, Sunday, Exactly 12.26 A.M.: O


Hmmm, another day finished, struck off life...:) Do I sound pessimistic? My apologies!
I finally finished the dreaded journalism exam and am done with it for this year! Thank heavens! Actually, now thinking about it, the paper was like my 9th grade civics! Hehe

Moving on with…The summer!!! It seems exciting with so many plans for travel- Mangalore (finally!!), Kerala (sleepovers and summer soirées…Here I come!!!) and Chennai (drool: P). There are also, waiting in line, 5 makeovers!! Woohoo!!! We are gonna pardy! We are gonna pardy!! Tata tata taTA! Hehe I know! When was the last time I was this excited?! Then, there’s Ram’s Birthday!!!! My baby juju lulu turns ONE and in doggie land he gets to be called an ADULT! :O Way to go sweetheart! : P

* Ideas for Ram’s birthday gifts:
1. Can mating be called a gift? :O
2. A kiddy pool for him to splash around in! ;)
3. A new leash which does not choke him to death… (Hey! Am being honest here!)
4. Date with Jenny?? *wink*
5. Get all his doggy pals…What say? (Perking of ears…taken as a yes.)
6. A life-time supply of bones!!! Weeihee ;)
7. Okay… fine! I will take him for a LONG walk and make sure he passes Jenny’s house! Sigh! Boys! When will they grow up?!
8. I shall not scare him.
9. Thou shall be allowed to bite me :| Sadist! (Ram was listening, so figured I would tell him directly)
10. Last option- Throw a surprise pardy! Guess it isn’t a surprise anymore… And yeah; of course I will let you jump on the guests… ha-ha just for the kicks! ;)

After all of this is my GRE text! God, am I excited to open a textbook? Dork! :O
I intend to finish my research paper… Thought I will write something about the colonial powers influencing culture… sounds interesting! Plan to visit The Christ University library regularly (and finish all the beginners’ series). Catch up with muttu and walk with her! Rangashankara!!! Love the place!
Why are my sentences getting shorter?? EW! My writing should never reflect high levels of sleep deprivation! Hehe
Yawn…
‘Night, Sweet dreams…

Love,
Ash

P.S. 1. I am sorry. I offer no explanations. Forgiveness is now, merely a word and not my choice…I hold nothing against you. You are a good person. Things cannot be the same again and I request you to get on and get going in life. I am pretty sure it won’t make any difference to you… Call me names, curse me, do what you want. But this is how things remain. I am sorry as I know it’s unfair. But nothing you did was fair either… This is NOT my revenge…By cutting off, am only trying to survive and fighting for survival is a noble cause too…
All the best! I know you will work wonders!
2. Oh! And am also learning to drive the 4-wheeler! Yippee I will get my license.:)
3. Should I get extra piercing done?? :O

26/3/09, Thursday


Who can say where the road goes, where the day flows, only time…
And who can say if your love grows, as your heart chose, only time…
Tra la la la
Tra la la la
Who can say why your heart sighs, as your love flies, only time…
And who can say why your heart cries, when your loves lies, only time…
Tra la la la
Tra la la la
Who can say when the roads meet, that love might be… hmmmm
La la hmmmm…

I cut off from my thoughts right there…Ha ha! Danger zone ;)

I did open my black diary and read the conversations I had with him, they weren’t particularly painful, even less, nostalgic. But it did make me think as to what went wrong, I mean, not that I was in love with him but I did genuinely like him- a lot! Yeah…and it was not love! More like a deep friendship, maybe. :) It surprises me how I speak in the past tense, because I, even now do not know whether it’s “The End” or whether it’s like a “Break”… No clue… Infact I am the one who altogether stopped speaking to him but it really isn’t my fault, I don’t like to pretend like I care, I cannot pretend that I am not mad, I do not want to pretend that what we had was nothing, I cannot pretend like I still trust him! Suddenly, all the mistakes he made, (is making) started getting onto my nerves!!! The amount he lied… repulsed me! Sigh! I wanted to make a refined man out of him and it was not charity…It mattered!
Whoa! Hold it right there! Jesus! I promised myself I will not start analyzing lost things again! They are, just…well…past and done with! And this is just one of the many promises I seem to be breaking these days…
I know and am completely aware that I did not collect my voter-id form, I have not called muttu, I even forgot that I had to meet her(I feel worse than a worm right now because of it ), I did not shop for some major ESSENTIALS for my survival(oh pha-lease!), my grades(can we steer clear? :P)!!! Fought with Rambo-brutal and am constantly looking at my mobile, as if, an apologetic message from him will pop right up! Hahaha THAT is, really, heights of expectation: P because…
a) He will not bother to message me –ever! :(
b) Even if he miraculously did, he would not apologize! No way! Not him!:|
c) If, somehow, ‘a’ and ‘b’ happened… he would never be sure as to WHY he is apologizing when, am the one who is the “SNOB”…

The last point is such a piss-off!! : X
Okie, but then…. Crap! Screw it! It is already half past seven! Sigh! And tomorrow is journalism exam… Ever told you how wonderful my life is?? : P

Seeya, pal!

Love,
Ash.

*http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CLhZ6mtrMzc
-This is the link for the song i referred to- "only time" by Enya.
-Doodle drawn by Ankita Salian. Thank You.

So cluleless!!!

Have you ever been so happy that you are now sick of it?? So used to giving love and expecting nothing in return(which was okay before)that it tires and ties you down?! You want to read a book but are not able to complete it because your schedules are so hectic?? (it irks me!) You love food but because of some unknown reason you stick to bread and eggs??
I think what am trying to say is that when your body and mind are exhausted, the things you loved doing become just another chore, be it eating,loving someone, smiling, etcetera.
Summer is a season i completely relish in - it is beauty for the eyes and for my mind(memories linked to summer).

I am so tired now -of fighting against little things like prejudices,falsehoods,oppression, hypocrisies, to name just a few. These were my little battles, not for myself but to whom so ever it was a problem! Somehow i was born well-off, but the story is so different for many others in India, particularly Karnataka (the place i deal with). Sometimes i feel like running away from my country, my past! Its so stupid- its culture, its people, its policies are so oppressive! Feel as if nothing is good enough here! I mean, can you believe it, our minister of state said "pub culture is not our culture" and imposes a ban on night life?! What a barbarian!! Totally crazy! And now valentines day! Seriously are we nuts?! And being a women is difficult and challenging in this country(not concerned about other nations) because we are SUPPOSED to assume a few roles but I don't connect to those roles!! So where do "I" stand?
This was never a problem before, somehow i had the will to fight but suddenly i feel pessimistic... The word FEMINISM scares Indian men so much! Why?? (evil smirk)

This is just one of the issues that tire me. There's academics! Have my exams coming up and its slightly pressurizing me. I want to get into Harvard or Princeton or maybe Yale for Psychology and for that my grades and GPA should be "up there!" :) Also, i joined a diploma course in GENDER and CULTURE now i hear we are expected to write a research paper for that! ha ha so am literally drunk on work! Again this could be good 'cause with my love life gone wall hay-wire i think it would be good "distraction" :P he he
Now that i have mentioned my love life, I might as well tell you the whole story!See, the thing is, the first few weeks after i met him i told some of my close friends about it. That would include my classmate, two other girls my age and my idol , among other people. Now, all of the people who knew this had one thing to say,"Him?? You can do better than that! Can't you pick someone better?? seriously Ash! Him?? You're a whole league above him! He's so kiddish he might pee when he sees how intense you are!" and this somehow did not go well with me! He wasn't this bad! I knew that! but when so many people see the same thing, you start to wonder if they are right... But i had to prove myself that i was right! All I wanted was to help him to help himself...
Now, the story has changed... I realized that what they said is true and I knew that all along... but i DO like him! He gave me vibes that show he cares two hoots for me! that has left me a little perplexed i must say. I asked him not to kill the butterflies, but he did that to attain all the joy in the world!

But out of all these the thing that annoys me the most is the fact the i have'nt been spending time with RAMBO, my 9month lab! awwww... my love! my baby jambo :P hmmm... the thought of him makes me feel serene...

ASH

7/11/09

A STRING OF THOUGHT….
Ya-aw-wn! Never been this drained out or sleepy… So decided to jump on this rick (auto) and go home. Well, as usual, my mind wanders about… drifting in and out of reality and suddenly it settles on this man- the driver. Nothing fascinating would meet your eyes unless…Unless… you kind of concentrate on his driving style. Okay you must be wondering,”What is she saying?” Well, so am I! : P
REFRESH! REFRESH!!
Okay now about the driver…: P Nope! I have not given up yet! He he
Hmmm… My eyes suddenly settled on him and I noticed the white mop (you could call it his hair: P) and just how aged he was! It was only then I realized that we were moving at a snail’s pace! :O But more than being slow, I realized how dignified he was in his driving, how he adhered to all traffic rules which can rarely be expected from the Bangalorean traffic! And as my mind dwelled and got absorbed in its object of fancy, it came up with deeper questions…
Questions like: “What is his story?”, “who is he?”, “why does he drive an auto?”,”Did his children send him to an old-age home perhaps?” or “Is he happier than me right now?!” and so on… I am still musing over them… Expecting to arrive at an answer is sheer madness!!! Only he could tell and I hadn’t asked.
The auto stops and I realize its time to get down and get going…
I paid and resisted the urge to tip him (never do that in Bangalore!) and around I turned to thank him… And then I discovered the truth… he was deaf.
* photo by meehee!! He he

[IF]

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you
But make allowance for their doubting too,
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream--and not make dreams your master,
If you can think--and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings--nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much,
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And--which is more--you'll be a Man, my son!

--Rudyard Kipling

A LOVE LETTER

To Dearest Jo

Your anger is a piece of cake to handle and now I know WHY God put ME into your life-'cause I can handle your anger better than you.
In real life,they say, when you love a person truly,you know that person better than you know yourself.And I truly don't know who JO is, but I know YOU. JO can be many things to many people. In fact, You can be many things to yourself! Sometimes you may love yourself,sometimes you may not, sometimes you think you are the best and sometimes the worst, sometimes life seems beautiful and sometimes uncertain and unpredictable...
But...
I Love You!!
I Love you when you hate me.
I Love you when you hate yourself.
I Love you when you are nothing.
I Love you when you are everything!
I Love you even if its none of my business
I Love you in joy
Still Love you in sorrow
I Love you in health
Love you and need you more in sickness
I Love you when you are rich
Love you dearly when you are poor...
honey, you may not be Mr.Universe but you are Mr.Mine :)

-Love(still not tired of saying it! :P)NNA

*This letter was written by my friend NNA... I really liked it! I think its place is here...

The colors of Life

Today will be a nice day, I tell myself
Today is a nice day, I believe
I saw the mirror yesterday
And did not recognize myself
But today its different...
I see...myself!

The mirror is a funny thing you see,
It always lies
But today I see the Truth- Les couleurs de la vie! (colors of life)

In the mirror,am crystal clear.
There is a ASH there.
In my eyes are reflected the coolrs of my life.
There is sadness,happiness,fears,tears,love,confidence,weakness,courage,passion and the things that make life.

The mirror shows the future too-it reflects my mind's eye...
There is a him, a me, a family,a dog ...
And children of my own.

But today is a different day, I tell myself.
It is a day to build that future.
Yesterday, I thought, you were my future.
But today is a fresh start as you are no longer there!

Oh how funny, the colors of life are!!

-ASH

*I wrote this poem for my French exam and this is a translated work. Hence it might seem like few lines end abruptly!

WASTED!

Its been a crazy morning,I feel hollow or maybe numb.
I had been happy for so long,have forgotten how to hide my tears...
Am standing at the doorstep,waiting for YOU-to see you,to hear you,to feel you on my skin.
Its cold outside,but I can take it, 'cause am frozen from within.
Am trying hard not to cry,because I know I made a big mistake!
The problem is not with you,its just that i Love you!
I can't stand it,my baby, when you walk hand in hand with her...
I feel...
That I wasted it all on you...
Wasted my love on you!!
-ASH


*please note that the picture was not taken in connection with this... One of my friend had it on her hand. It kind of goes with this poem! :)

MY SAD POEM :P

PASSING BY...

I walked hand in hand with you,
I spoke eye to eye.
You were scared to loose me,
But now, look what's happened!
Rest is History, eh??

I sit in a semi-dark room, with a candle light.
But you know, it does not hide my tears...
I flirt with that flame now...
the flame of Seduction and false claims...

I don't know why, i think i still love you!

But passing by, i realize...
The mistakes I made, the promises i broke , the friends i lost,
And you know the rest.
My soul was on sale and you named a price!

No, no. no leave me alone!
I bleed in pain,in love; i don't mind!
I remember those first words you spoke,
They blew my mind, alright!

But passing by, i realize...
The mistakes I made, the promises i broke , the friends i lost,
And you know the rest.
My soul was on sale and you named a price!

Still, in my mind....
My lips are always on yours...
And that's enough a thought to live by...

So passing by....

Just to let you know...

This blog might seem blunt and abrupt to some people:reason being , it is a continuation from my other blog. The link to this blog has been posted on orkut which does not house... how shall i say... a good crowd(?). So care has been taken that not very personal stuff is put up!Exams going on now... my mind does not house any other thought than, "press theories" :P he he

its 11pm already,has been a long day, the night will be longer! sigh! Sleep seems a far away land....
-Ash

P.S. *Very happy that my sister is getting engaged. The first marriage in my life that am excited about :) Love her! idolize her!
*Really pissed and annoyed that "he" did not take me along for dinner!
*Today has been a mad act what with shopping(6hrs of it!), foooood(:P),last minute arrangements, with sudden need of hospitals and oh exams!!
* FREAK!!! gotta call dee!!!AM SO DEAD!!!
AU REVIOR!!!
BONNE NUIT!!!