There are some stories inspired by life and some you coax out of yourself and then there are those that you MUST write... This is one such story. A story of my mistakes that I am proud to narrate because they brought me to some of the best things - my friends. Some of them will have privacy issues and hence all their names have been changed. I don't write this to blame 'em or blame myself, but to just acknowledge (for the first time) that we were all right and we were all wrong.
I have heard that while writing "On the Road"(1957), Jack Kerouac stayed up one night and during that duration, he wrote his novel never knowing that it would define a generation! And today,I've experienced something like that... A need to write ENDLESSLY. To go ON and SAY IT! Say it...
Before I start I must confess that right now, my emotional state is one mixed with elation, nostalgia and extreme depression (well, not suicidal!).I know that I am in a position where I feel none of my friends are WITH me although they are THERE for me... Some I know are being honest and some continue to lie whilst others are indifferent. There is this void I can feel because simply put, I am lonely- the others have found their happy homes. Its not too surprising that I started my story with what happens in the end- I have always hated those authors who keep you waiting till the end and the end ain't even worth it!
So, here is the end. Me.Typing.On the comp. At 12.15 A.M.
The immediate event leading to this being, looking through all our pics on the comp. I do not know if we will ever meet again or keep in touch. Some are planning on loafing around after college, while others have marriage on their minds and the rest wanna get into a university.
The story starts wa-aa-ay back in 2003 when I joined Carmel Convent. I had loved my previous school but my parents definitely didn't share the same view. So here I was in a new school and I was already late for my class-The school assembly had already started and I was busy staring at faces. That evening, my classmate (Monisha)introduced me to two girls in the school van- A and B.
Now, A and B were friends through out pre- school and all the way till high school.
Few years later i met 'em again in Christ college, year 2005-06. We were to be classmates throughout pre-university!!Woohoo! (Woohoo??)
Then we became quite a gang and others joined us- c(i loved her for her knowledge but everyone thought she was snobby, D- I don't remember about her and E who was well, "clingy" back then?? Can't say for sure. We had more than our share of fights which needless to say were downright stupid and silly.It always had someone feeling "ignored'/"left out" and resulted in leaving at least one person crying. Ha ha usually, it would be D. I guess she was sensitive. But we had some kick-ass fun too!!! Totally memorable and not just because "it-happened-to-me"! The fights... they increased and left us tired and bitter. Mais, we were friends!!! Hm...
At the time I had another set of friends- Indu, Nidhi and my all time fav- Ashwin!!!
He seriously is my sweetheart!( By the way, he and I have been friends for over 12yrs!! Even now I keep meeting him). He has always been the wise-goose! :)
Because it was so much fun being with the three of 'em, I never was very close to the others. I was sick of their politics and petty fights... Some were too orthodox for me to handle.( Today, I have learnt to accept them as well :) )
At one point, I was so close to both the group of friends! To cut a long story short, I had a horrible fight with Indu and eventually i repeated that with Nidhi. I had lost them both - forever. I have tried to call and straighten things out- they still haven't been able to forgive me and I don't blame them whatsoever.
By the summer of 2008, things were just getting worse. I realized I had befriended a wrong set of people- no, not that they were bad, but I think we were never meant to be a group or at least, I wasn't meant to be a part of that group. I love 'em all- INDIVIDUALLY. Its like, when in a group, they are at their sarcastic best! I don't understand. They COMPETE when in a group and I am no less...
WE are in our second year of graduation. Current status: A is no longer a part of our group. She was mercilessly "eliminated" as she was not "open-minded" enough. Ashwin is not here- he is doing his B.E ( we are doing B.A). C and D are in the same class and are happy. I think they are really good! Especially C without whom I cannot even dream of passing my French exams! :) B and E are in the same class. B has changed so much ( for the worse), I cannot fathom that I know her.
Introducing... Two new characters- G and H ( since I am the "F") :O
G was my best bud throughout these two years!!! Oh my, she and I were a wild bunch. I kinda miss her now but I know (for sure) I am better off without her.I am sick and tired of baby-sitting her all these days!! But damn! I love her! :D
Enter H- The guy Ashwin hated but i loved. (ziiiiiip!) He is (also!) not a part of my life now and I kinda, sorta miss him. He was fun alright!
G had become a part of our group- she and I were a team! Speak about her later under another topic.
G , C and I went o Kerla- G's hometown and I was looking through those pics on the comp and i realized that I AM MADLY IN LOVE WITH ALL MY FRIENDS. Its sad that all our priorities have changed. We are all moving in different directions!!! I am trying to hold a grip on the sands of time .I can see I am failing miserably! :)
C and D are very polite and are courteous-they respect what we have been through as friends. G is not to be seen or heard at all. I like it that way. Its been 6 months since H left. F is... well, fucked up but in a way, calm and peaceful. B and E are seething- they believe that they haven't redeemed themselves-YET.
So, basically, THIS is my sad state of affairs... :)
Oh freak! Ram is howling and it is so eerie... When he howls, I am reminded of the woman from "The Yellow Wallpaper" by Charlotte Perkins Gilman.
I think I can hear footsteps- no, yes, no, I am just hallucinating!
OKAY!I AM PANICKING! DON'T PANIC! AM PANICKING! DAMN! ITS 2 A.M.WHOSE THERE??!! I AM PANI- HIC- ING! PANCI-
hi.. m jus assumin that ud be more than happy to hear my comment.! and so here i go...! :-) its nicely written.. i like the style, the language.. its mature and nice..! :-) altho... i must say i dint get one bit of it... yea sumthns here and there tas it.. and thats cuz of all the alphabets... i lost track of what happened to whom why and how... if u dun wanna mention names.. jus use other names... real but other names.. names uv always loved...! that way its easier for the reader! :-) tell me if u make the changes.. id love to read and cmprehend! :-)
ReplyDeleteHey ash, honestly i feel nostalgic readin this. Well am gonna reveal to all those people who are curious to know the identities of the alphabets. Am "c" in this! I still rememba ash tellin me one day during a lunch hour in the second year that she wants to write a book when she becomes a writer.That book she dreamed of would consist of the compact college life that we all shared since our pre-university years. It feels wonderful to have reached a stage now where our friendship has truly matured and the trivial arguments just disappear into the thin air unable to hamper all the years and experiences and the friendship we have always shared. Personally speaking ash n i have shared a very different kind of communication as friends. This i believe is because we have almost loved each others company in the so called "intelligent talks" we have always had. The thoughts we share about literature as a discipline is amazingly interesting to the both of us. Exhaustion and fatigue has never struck us in any of our conversations.
ReplyDeletenow we are in our graduating years and as we look behind we all see all our tiny foot prints on the steps helping us to this bond we have eversince shared. The small foot prints have just grown with every step. And every step has again been a testing time to cross. U kno that ash. The numerous arguments we have had has been very tedious to solve but consquently they have smoothened leaving us now with tons of laughter at our stupidity.LOL.....