If this is called LIFE or GROWING UP...

There are some stories inspired by life and some you coax out of yourself and then there are those that you MUST write... This is one such story. A story of my mistakes that I am proud to narrate because they brought me to some of the best things - my friends. Some of them will have privacy issues and hence all their names have been changed. I don't write this to blame 'em or blame myself, but to just acknowledge (for the first time) that we were all right and we were all wrong.

I have heard that while writing "On the Road"(1957), Jack Kerouac stayed up one night and during that duration, he wrote his novel never knowing that it would define a generation! And today,I've experienced something like that... A need to write ENDLESSLY. To go ON and SAY IT! Say it...

Before I start I must confess that right now, my emotional state is one mixed with elation, nostalgia and extreme depression (well, not suicidal!).I know that I am in a position where I feel none of my friends are WITH me although they are THERE for me... Some I know are being honest and some continue to lie whilst others are indifferent. There is this void I can feel because simply put, I am lonely- the others have found their happy homes. Its not too surprising that I started my story with what happens in the end- I have always hated those authors who keep you waiting till the end and the end ain't even worth it!

So, here is the end. Me.Typing.On the comp. At 12.15 A.M.

The immediate event leading to this being, looking through all our pics on the comp. I do not know if we will ever meet again or keep in touch. Some are planning on loafing around after college, while others have marriage on their minds and the rest wanna get into a university.

The story starts wa-aa-ay back in 2003 when I joined Carmel Convent. I had loved my previous school but my parents definitely didn't share the same view. So here I was in a new school and I was already late for my class-The school assembly had already started and I was busy staring at faces. That evening, my classmate (Monisha)introduced me to two girls in the school van- A and B.
Now, A and B were friends through out pre- school and all the way till high school.
Few years later i met 'em again in Christ college, year 2005-06. We were to be classmates throughout pre-university!!Woohoo! (Woohoo??)

Then we became quite a gang and others joined us- c(i loved her for her knowledge but everyone thought she was snobby, D- I don't remember about her and E who was well, "clingy" back then?? Can't say for sure. We had more than our share of fights which needless to say were downright stupid and silly.It always had someone feeling "ignored'/"left out" and resulted in leaving at least one person crying. Ha ha usually, it would be D. I guess she was sensitive. But we had some kick-ass fun too!!! Totally memorable and not just because "it-happened-to-me"! The fights... they increased and left us tired and bitter. Mais, we were friends!!! Hm...
At the time I had another set of friends- Indu, Nidhi and my all time fav- Ashwin!!!
He seriously is my sweetheart!( By the way, he and I have been friends for over 12yrs!! Even now I keep meeting him). He has always been the wise-goose! :)

Because it was so much fun being with the three of 'em, I never was very close to the others. I was sick of their politics and petty fights... Some were too orthodox for me to handle.( Today, I have learnt to accept them as well :) )

At one point, I was so close to both the group of friends! To cut a long story short, I had a horrible fight with Indu and eventually i repeated that with Nidhi. I had lost them both - forever. I have tried to call and straighten things out- they still haven't been able to forgive me and I don't blame them whatsoever.

By the summer of 2008, things were just getting worse. I realized I had befriended a wrong set of people- no, not that they were bad, but I think we were never meant to be a group or at least, I wasn't meant to be a part of that group. I love 'em all- INDIVIDUALLY. Its like, when in a group, they are at their sarcastic best! I don't understand. They COMPETE when in a group and I am no less...

WE are in our second year of graduation. Current status: A is no longer a part of our group. She was mercilessly "eliminated" as she was not "open-minded" enough. Ashwin is not here- he is doing his B.E ( we are doing B.A). C and D are in the same class and are happy. I think they are really good! Especially C without whom I cannot even dream of passing my French exams! :) B and E are in the same class. B has changed so much ( for the worse), I cannot fathom that I know her.

Introducing... Two new characters- G and H ( since I am the "F") :O
G was my best bud throughout these two years!!! Oh my, she and I were a wild bunch. I kinda miss her now but I know (for sure) I am better off without her.I am sick and tired of baby-sitting her all these days!! But damn! I love her! :D

Enter H- The guy Ashwin hated but i loved. (ziiiiiip!) He is (also!) not a part of my life now and I kinda, sorta miss him. He was fun alright!

G had become a part of our group- she and I were a team! Speak about her later under another topic.
G , C and I went o Kerla- G's hometown and I was looking through those pics on the comp and i realized that I AM MADLY IN LOVE WITH ALL MY FRIENDS. Its sad that all our priorities have changed. We are all moving in different directions!!! I am trying to hold a grip on the sands of time .I can see I am failing miserably! :)
C and D are very polite and are courteous-they respect what we have been through as friends. G is not to be seen or heard at all. I like it that way. Its been 6 months since H left. F is... well, fucked up but in a way, calm and peaceful. B and E are seething- they believe that they haven't redeemed themselves-YET.

So, basically, THIS is my sad state of affairs... :)

Oh freak! Ram is howling and it is so eerie... When he howls, I am reminded of the woman from "The Yellow Wallpaper" by Charlotte Perkins Gilman.

I think I can hear footsteps- no, yes, no, I am just hallucinating!

OKAY!I AM PANICKING! DON'T PANIC! AM PANICKING! DAMN! ITS 2 A.M.WHOSE THERE??!! I AM PANI- HIC- ING! PANCI-

Psychology after Foucault

This is an assignment I wrote.

With the risk of sounding clichéd, I would like to state that as I recall, I did not know what to expect when I joined the course- Psychology after Foucault. The previous semester, I had joined another certificate course by CSCS on Gender and Culture; hence I had expected the “suffering” to be a part of it. Though (objectively) I had decided that I would not let this (Gender and Culture) course “get to me”, it invariably did! After knowing about the ‘other’ (often neglected) side of “our world” it becomes difficult to ignore it, to not CHANGE and QUESTION your day to day activities, attitudes, prejudices and thoughts-especially those that stereotype. My problem was dealing with the dichotomies- black and white, right and wrong, life and death, man and woman, et cetera. And that brings me to a dichotomy which forms the central element of Psychology- reason and unreason. The course promised to address it and that brought me to more “suffering” (as Anup would have it called!).

During the course, we studied madness- its origin (in a sense), causes and effects and Who is wielding its power by reading ’The History of Madness’ by Michelle Foucault. To put it simply- as a student of psychology and literature, I was the one who would get the “privilege” to exercise that power (I know, duh!). Through the use of Language, I would be installing and widening the gap between reason and madness; through Psychology, I would be using this distinction between reason and unreason/madness as if it were a given, a natural.

The effect of this course was felt in both, my public and private spheres (ironic that I am using another dichotomy!). Private because firstly, I am questioning and re-thinking my decision to study Psychology and wondering how I can work my way through this problem if I do make the decision to practice psychology. Secondly, I no longer have the confidence to judge or to criticize anything because suddenly my faith in knowledge (that I possessed) about myself, others and things around me has been shaken. Public because simply, after reading Foucault; I cannot innocently nod when my psychology lecturer speaks about the ways in which we can “cure”/”treat” the unreasonable, the mad. Something is just not right there and it needs to be changed, altered or at least be dealt with!

As long as I can remember, my only problem with people was that they did not have a purpose in life or some were just not “serious” enough. They could laugh at all things silly and that made them “stupid” but Foucault taught me that I (badly) needed a paradigm shift. Who is to say “stupid” is not the way to live? Or in other words “not being stupid” is the way to live?! (Am I confusing here??)

Also, there is no longer a dying urge to justify my actions. For instance:

I used Foucault to read the poem ’Theme for English B’ by Langston Hughes, with the class.

In the poem, the instructor (white) asks his students to write a page and to keep it “true”. The poem mostly is a response by one of his students (colored).

An extract from the said poem:

“As I learn from you,
I guess you learn from me
although you're older and white
and somewhat more free.”

These lines show that knowledge is two dimensional. Both the reasonable (the teacher) and the unreasonable (the student) interact and learn from each other. When I took this observation to class it resulted in a heated debate where I eventually lost my temper and banged my fists on the table. Being me, I would have apologized profusely and would have been embarrassed. BUT after Foucault happened, I feel that even though my behavior has been understood as “unreasonable”, it is okay by me because at least I was being true to myself. I feel that if I am “unreasonable” at times, it is okay to express it and there is no need to be apologetic about it or fear it and suppress it!

For the time being, I deal with Foucault and my “sufferings” (“I” can “see” Anup smiling) by believing in psychological realism- the belief that each one experiences reality in different ways, according to their psyche. In other words- there is no reality, only perceptions. And there is no right or wrong perception.

Like Pascal said, “men are so necessarily mad, that not being mad would be being mad through another trick that madness played.”