Annaiya

“Annaiya! Annaiya! Haal kardaitu. Iga yen madli?”
(“Brother! Brother! I finished milking the cows. Now what shall I do?”)
“Snana madu. Nagappan devasthanakke hogona.”
(“Take a bath. Let’s go to the Snake temple.”)

* * * *
That was years ago but looking at this tribal mask in front of me, my mind refused to get away from that memory-a memory I was desperate to forget, to erase off my mind. These very thoughts spoilt my monthly trips to @Home, a chic home décor boutique in Bangalore.

“Mommy!”
Shruti and Krish.
I had to adopt them when I was only 26. I love them but I remain (mostly) confused about how to bring them up. When time and again the same questions pester my mind, I am reminded that there have always been two choices- either the past or the present. Never mind all this. How are you to make sense of my story when I haven’t told you anything about Sudhamanad and my life there?

Sudhamanad! Sudhamanad…
All I have to do is say the name and a million memories would tumble and roll in my head. This would make me slightly dizzy as I was suddenly thrown off balance by the weight of it. Moreover, I was never allowed to withdraw a single memory from that lot. I could only feel the melancholy and after a few minutes, the guilt- the guilt of abandoning my people and denying them a place in “my past”. The guilt would always, invariably come but more than often, I would openly invite it. I would dowse myself in the guilt- enjoy it, celebrate it even. Maybe it made me feel like I’d paid the price or that I’d been punished (and rightly so) for the ‘sin’ I had committed.

The ‘Sin’? A big one! It’s the sin of lying about the past not only to myself but also my children. Yes. I am ashamed of it but the past is too complex for me to handle. What do I tell my children? That I received them as a gift from the neighbors?! Sigh! Regardless of how ridiculous it sounds, to the best of my knowledge, it remains a fact.

In Sudhamanad, there is the festival of the Gungutla (the childless). During the first week of spring, when champa starts to blossom, all the childless women of the tribe would gather around the imli (tamarind) trees. The childless women along with their men would stand at the centre and the other women (who would give away their new born as a gift to the deserving) along with their husbands would make the outer circle. The moment the sun rose, the eldest couple of the tribe would drink a glass of goat’s milk announcing the start of the festival. The men in the centre of the circle had to climb the trees and grab as many imlis as possible. Their wives at the bottom were in charge of grounding the imlis into a paste. The couple that had the largest quantity of the ground imli would get the chance to pick a baby of their choice. They would then name the child in the presence of its birth mother and father, the eldest couple and the members of the tribe. This naming ceremony marked the end of the ritual. There would be other added attractions too – tree climbing competitions, flame blowers, drum beaters etcetera.

Annaya always won the tree climbing competitions. There was not a faster climber than him in our or the next seven villages. So, years later, when he participated along with his wife (akka), no one doubted their chance to a win. That is how they received my Krish and Shruti. Three years later, akka passed away and the children were left in my care.

* * * *

Long ago in 1990, when I was 15, the Indian government released their new economic policy – liberalization, privatization and globalization. Under this economic model, they also launched a very ambitious project of achieving 100% literacy rate by 1995. My village – Sudhamanad was covered under this project and all my classmates were given scholarships to attend an English medium government school in a nearby town - Mangalore.

Annaya let me go as he believed in the cause of the State. But many of my friends did not turn up. Their parents believed that a sound knowledge of the forest we lived in was enough to ensure them a good life.

* * * *

Mangalore was completely different to how I had imagined it. I felt I was on alien land – there were those weird clothed people, the funny looking vehicles and their language… It was just … strange! As soon as I came I wanted to leave - no, run! But I thought of Annaya and mustered the courage to stay.

In the following months I realized that I had more pressing problems to take care of. People were giving me funny looks. My classmates were always noticing my acche (tattoo) of Nagappa, they constantly smelled my hair, they knew it just as well as I did that I could not speak their language and they always cast their escalator eyes on the way I had dressed. Then, they started nagging me – asking me where I had got that special perfume of mine. Their laughter often drowned my feeble replies. When I asked my teacher (with a choked voice nonetheless) what I could do about it, she would flatly say that I should stop wearing saris and instead wear pants and school shirts. So, I changed. I wore what they wanted me to wear, I left my hair open – just the way they liked it and pretty soon I learned to speak their language. Needless to say, I stopped wearing my anklets, nose rings and toe rings. Whenever I looked in the mirror, I would be shocked to see how much I resembled them but it only made me proud - my chest would swell, even if, just a little bit. So I came to hide every thing that lay within me – the caves, forests, animals, rituals and my people. From something I had to do consciously, it slowly became a habit and very soon a way of life for me.

* * * *

As a part of his school assignment, Krish was asked to cook his “traditional” food. When he had came home asking help for the same, that feeling of dizziness, of being thrown off balance had returned to me. I would feel the same when Shruti asked me to buy her anklets or nose rings for her Bharatanatyam classes. I was torn- the self being suspended between the past and the present. The future always seems bleak from such a position…

* * * *

But what was my mistake? When did I make the mistake? All I wanted back then was to make sense of my reality, my surroundings.
From something I had to do consciously, it slowly became a habit and very soon a way of life for me.

In a croaking voice...

If she tied strings around your heart and tugged at it a little hard,
would you leave?
Would you walk?(away)
Would you run?(to...)
Would you be calm?!
Would you reappear or merely "appear"?

When he called me back and told me how he missed me at night,
no, not as a passionate lover
but as something much more...
What could be much more, you ask.
Ah,I recognize that tone- I've heard it before.I'm not sure I like it.
I storm out and bang the door as I leave.



To,
Nishant
Richard
Mezack(I still don't know how to spell your name!)*Bows head in shame*
Ashwin (The only innocent thing here and the one I dearly love)
Krishnan
Rakesh
Aman
Ashish
Roshan
Aditya
Kevin
Manoj
Yatin
Chethan
Sudhamshu

I love watching chick flicks and reading chick lit. Okay! Not ALL the time! It makes me feel like there's so much more to me. Oh boy! Last post was about "MY" future, today I'm speaking about the "me". Narcissistic! Or is a blog essentially about the "I". AShwini, please accept things and DON'T be in denial! u are NARCISSISTIC! Hmph!

"Anybody there??"

I was, as usual, wondering about higher education. MY higher education to be precise. Last weekend I finished my first round of interviews for the Rhodes Scholarship. Wow! THAT was something... First, I had to build myself up- through my Statement of purpose, Resume,reference letters, etc. I applied for the M.St. in English and American Studies. Sigh~ But in the interview,I think they tore me. Tore me good. Oh but I mean that in a good way. I saw my faults- there's no denial.I saw HOW much MORE there is to knowledge, how I've conveniently left somethings out. Though I study Literature, I have never consulted visual or auditory text!! As an academician or as a student, I don't have the privilege of restricting myself! And for the first time, I was nervous during the interview- heart pounding, tongue tied et al. Yup! It happened! I walked out the door, feeling completely stupid! But on the brighter side, the whole experience showed me how lucky I am! SO many people love and respect me. They expect so much more from me and were so happy and proud of me! And no, it did not pressurize me, it made me work harder and be humble. I am so thankful to my family,friends and mentors.
For heavens sake I CAN'T be calm about this!!! Across the table were scholars judging ME! I was being considered for studying in OXFORD UNIVERSITY!! Oh lord!! I AM so proud of myself. I hope it will be an upward growth from here on. In a week I will find out whether am through to the next round or not. Fingers crossed!
And dear readers, please pray I do! It means the world!
Love,

ASH

P.S. I could not ignore this anymore and was wondering: While I bare my life and thoughts to this blog, is anyone at all reading? Is anybody there? Anybody home? or 'am I a hopeless romantic?!

:O

I saw the magazine. You were interviewed? Nice. Congrats!! Center page spread, huh? Neat! :)


THAT's what I WOULD HAVE said had you mentioned or forewarned me about the "girlfriend" bit!
Girlfriend?? A GIRLFRIEND???
How did you forget to mention THAT?? :O
Gulp. Fine! I know I should be happy for you but whatever, of course I am not exactly "thrilled" at the prospect of you dating someone... Yeah, it is awkward and I know you didn't mention her because of ...
AND oh-my-God, your cutesy smile. why? WHY? Couldn't you just pose with a straight face? F.Y.I, I totally love it! :D

Be good and do good ****(I STILL can't say it in public! :P)
Love always
Ash

P.S. Can you believe fucking fate??? DAD(of all people) bought home the magazine! :O :X Stop laughing! Not funny man. :|

For the readers: No matter how close you are to me, don't ask me about this post. I don't wanna talk about it. :)

Now I know...

I was reading "The inscrutable Americans" by Anurag Mathur and for the first time I understood why I connect with America even though I have never been there... Why, I feel so lost and uncomfortable in India. Why I want to move to some far away place. No, its not that I hate India. Seriously, how can I ? A more appropriate question would be "Can I ever hate India?" 'Am so Indian- So many of my principles are Indian, my dreams are Indian and my very being is Indian. How can the tree survive when it is uprooted? Simple as that.

But I sure think its important for me to be in America. More like New York. Something fast, individualistic and busy.

There is a glory in some of the things that are quintessentially American- the hot dogs, bagels, liberty bell, the pubs, the cars, the "individualism" in the society... I want to be a part of it all... a tiny weeny dot in the big bad city :) You know what I mean ;P

I don't know how people assume that 'am "not" patriotic towards India just because I said "There is a glory in some things American..." Really? That's supposed to show that I am not patriotic? My question here is: "Do I want to be patriotic? Is it such a good quality that I MUST cultivate it?" I don't think so... By the way, if you must know, I AM patriotic but not a fanatic or a nationalist. I just happened to notice many of my friends join this community on Facebook called "I'm an Indian. Be jealous"; It only got me cackling like an old hag! Seriously! Is THAT what you consider "PATRIOTISM"?? :O Hm... Some thinking to do?

I'll be brutally honest at this point: I do believe that America is a much better place than India in many, many ways. And vice versa. Peace.

Anyway, this post was supposed be about the book "The inscrutable Americans" and well, it twisted itself into something else.

Adios amigos,
Ash

Happy Birthday Aarzoo :)

First and foremost- Happy 19th Birthday zoo!! I can call you that, can't I? :) I'll take the liberty... I know it feels strange to read this letter- (a) It's a LETTER. So ancient! (b) Why didn't I just tell you this? Why a LETTER? :) Drop those questions for now. The answers will come. :) I promise.

I have known you since you were 5. You should remember: This letter was written way back in 2010. What's it now? 2022? Hope my math was right. At this point, I love you so much that I just want to be optimistic and use " I have known you" instead of "I knew you". "I have known you" would imply that I never lost you and spent many a waking moment with you. :) I do hope so dearie.

Your mom is an amazing woman and so is your dad. I know you love Tammy too.She is very special. In a sense, your mom gave me life and the strength to live that life. I owe her.:) But oh yes, this letter isn't about your mom, dad, Tam or your amazing family- Manoj, Ammachi and Remi; it's about YOU.

First and foremost, I want you to know that "I LOVE YOU".You will always occupy a special place in my heart.I don't know whether you knew it then, but the summer of 2010 was a very special one for me. It was a difficult period, yes, but also one that I treasure! Who am I kidding? It was one of the toughest times, zoo. But you somehow helped me through most of it. People had walked in and out of my life too often back then, but you held on. You chose me as your Godmother remember? I know it was all in good fun but I took the title seriously :) You were my baby. I wish I could say the same now but I know both of us will be embarrassed- It's cool. :) I just wanted to be loved by someone and respected at the same time too - unconditionally. My family loved me but they are FAMILY, you know. Yeah, Rambo(Suzy) loved me unconditionally. I wanted some attention and pampering but like you know, I am too egoistic to stoop down and SEEK attention. I never will. And there you were with the sweetest smile and the purest of hearts (same goes for Tam)- I remember the way you girls hugged my legs(yeah, that's how tall you were) that indeed, transported me somewhere else... All the attention you showered me and minus the pity- oh boy! If only adults could learn to do that! Or just your gentle voice, calling out : "Ashwini didi". The way you would ask me every single time: "Ashwini, sleepover today? Yay! Come... come..." Ha ha I never told you but my chest would puff up, even if a little bit . I want to really thank you. Somehow, telling you "thank you" or "love you" sounds funny- I am just stating the obvious! :P

Sorry, most of what 'am writing must be mushy and corny. My sincere apologies but I do mean it- Down to every single word!

Your mom and I shared a very special bond. She's been my guardian angel, sister, mother, friend, mentor all rolled into one. I wish I can do something for you. Remember, I am just a call away. Be it girl problems, family problems, or you just want to rant or tell someone how happy you are with your boyfriend- you can always come to me! :D I would love to listen to all of it and waltz you through it! Don't worry, Tammy will get her's in due course. For now, its your turn. Wondering where is your gift? All you have to do is reach out- it's waiting for you. :)

Happy Birthday! :)
For you, a thousand times over.
Love,
Ash