Another journel entry

Its a funny thing this life, just like my fountain pen. My pen promises to write better while life promises to get better. Of course, both are lying. And the funnier thing is we humans LOVE the lie- why else do you  think we created God? Personally, I love my pen, my life and their lies. It gives hope. Nah, not of better days, a happier life. But hope to... stay put. It lets you believe that there is a point in living a life. So sorry if I've broken your happy bubble. And no, 'am not a cynic. Its just that 'am turning into an adult.

I finished my exams, got a fellowship, India won its second cricket World cup, Muttu is planning to move out of Bangalore, 'am moving away from my friends and my family and 'am still asking- "So what?? What's the point?"

CHANGE. Such a strange, strange word. Some ask for it whilst others resist it like the plague, some just 'deal' with it, some others 'embrace' it but the majority remain confused and when they run out of time to take a decision, they panic. They grab the first thing that comes their way and BAM! There begins a hell of  a life.

I just realized- I like this blue. Blue ink.

Dated: 3/3/11
Ash

There are only two types of people in the world-those who read and those who don't

I can't help but think how safe I feel here;'here' being the library in my college. It's just me,the book, a comfortable chair and my bearings spread out on the table. Cozy. No conversation needed. No crowd ( we are speaking of 18-20 year old students, remember?). The building is well ventilated with windows everywhere. I couldn't have asked for a better day to read- the sunlight seducing my senses while the fan has a lulling effect. Sigh! I know I'll miss days like these- being with myself, reading a good book while occasionally lifting my head to look around the floor.

Dated: 15/1/11
Ash

In a croaking voice...

If she tied strings around your heart and tugged at it a little hard,
would you leave?
Would you walk?(away)
Would you run?(to...)
Would you be calm?!
Would you reappear or merely "appear"?

When he called me back and told me how he missed me at night,
no, not as a passionate lover
but as something much more...
What could be much more, you ask.
Ah,I recognize that tone- I've heard it before.I'm not sure I like it.
I storm out and bang the door as I leave.



To,
Nishant
Richard
Mezack(I still don't know how to spell your name!)*Bows head in shame*
Ashwin (The only innocent thing here and the one I dearly love)
Krishnan
Rakesh
Aman
Ashish
Roshan
Aditya
Kevin
Manoj
Yatin
Chethan
Sudhamshu

"Anybody there??"

I was, as usual, wondering about higher education. MY higher education to be precise. Last weekend I finished my first round of interviews for the Rhodes Scholarship. Wow! THAT was something... First, I had to build myself up- through my Statement of purpose, Resume,reference letters, etc. I applied for the M.St. in English and American Studies. Sigh~ But in the interview,I think they tore me. Tore me good. Oh but I mean that in a good way. I saw my faults- there's no denial.I saw HOW much MORE there is to knowledge, how I've conveniently left somethings out. Though I study Literature, I have never consulted visual or auditory text!! As an academician or as a student, I don't have the privilege of restricting myself! And for the first time, I was nervous during the interview- heart pounding, tongue tied et al. Yup! It happened! I walked out the door, feeling completely stupid! But on the brighter side, the whole experience showed me how lucky I am! SO many people love and respect me. They expect so much more from me and were so happy and proud of me! And no, it did not pressurize me, it made me work harder and be humble. I am so thankful to my family,friends and mentors.
For heavens sake I CAN'T be calm about this!!! Across the table were scholars judging ME! I was being considered for studying in OXFORD UNIVERSITY!! Oh lord!! I AM so proud of myself. I hope it will be an upward growth from here on. In a week I will find out whether am through to the next round or not. Fingers crossed!
And dear readers, please pray I do! It means the world!
Love,

ASH

P.S. I could not ignore this anymore and was wondering: While I bare my life and thoughts to this blog, is anyone at all reading? Is anybody there? Anybody home? or 'am I a hopeless romantic?!

:O

I saw the magazine. You were interviewed? Nice. Congrats!! Center page spread, huh? Neat! :)


THAT's what I WOULD HAVE said had you mentioned or forewarned me about the "girlfriend" bit!
Girlfriend?? A GIRLFRIEND???
How did you forget to mention THAT?? :O
Gulp. Fine! I know I should be happy for you but whatever, of course I am not exactly "thrilled" at the prospect of you dating someone... Yeah, it is awkward and I know you didn't mention her because of ...
AND oh-my-God, your cutesy smile. why? WHY? Couldn't you just pose with a straight face? F.Y.I, I totally love it! :D

Be good and do good ****(I STILL can't say it in public! :P)
Love always
Ash

P.S. Can you believe fucking fate??? DAD(of all people) bought home the magazine! :O :X Stop laughing! Not funny man. :|

For the readers: No matter how close you are to me, don't ask me about this post. I don't wanna talk about it. :)

Just a little one!

A few days back, I was having a conversation with my friend after a really long time. Yeah, we spoke of was & when and how so much has changed in our lives. She is finally letting go of her fears and giving herself a chance to date someone. I can imagine the joy and relief she is feeling. The moment she told me she was seeing someone, I yelped with joy and did my -what Tanvi calls- the horny dance.(I do it every time I am excited and elated. It is called the horny dance because... well...it looks like 'am ...never mind! Somethings are best left unsaid.)So, the bottom line is- I was very happy for her.I always felt she was snazzy and deserved things that were good. Oh,at this point I must mention, it is because of her help that I somehow passed my French exams. And it is because of the faith she showed in me that today, God bless, I love the subject and I am managing pretty well! :) Thanks da!

All my friends knew about "him" and what happened later. This summer was special because I broke away from that twisted, toxic thing I had with him. I let go of some of my friends, so obviously, this year has been a bummer in the "relationships" department. :)But I am so close to my dream now... I can almost touch it and that feels so great! :D So while she is celebrating the "us", I am celebrating the "me" :) And this is such a good moment for both of us that I told her... "Hey, you know what? I feel like Life is hugging us."
She replied, "It is Ash! Finally!It is our time under the sun."
And I couldn't agree more!
Cheers to us babe!
And long live womanhood :P (Come one, I had to say something feminist!)
Luv,
Ash

P.S. LIFE IS HUGGING US!

Vacations - Trip to Goa :)

I am still in Goa- actually, on the train bound to Bangalore. So, this was supposed to be my five day vacation- away from work.

* * *

So much on my mind and so little time to blog... Okay, let me cut the crap- I feel like such a hormone struck teenager right now. Cool breeze. The "choo chooo" of the train, middle aged women trying to get their children to sleep, Tanvi cuddled up in her seat and me- with a bundle of emotions, thoughts, writing in stark darkness... And that is how I like it. :)

I think I have a story to tell but I want to give it time...

* * *

So, back to the top? Yeah. Vacation. Goa. Sun, sand and surf ( I know Mr. Orwell is turning in his grave! :P). Smoke. Booze. WITH friends.

* * *

Another try. Positive. + . Think Po-si-tive bitch!
* * *
Hm, inspired by Kerouac 's "On the road "- there is something that happens to a person when they read it. Something threatening- a...a rebellion... an attitude...feeling gutsy! Maybe that is why I have not completed it?

My mind wonders... The things I bought- The Buddha, Tibetan flag (must remmember to ask Thup den about it!), stuff from Anjuna flea market, a broken stirrer from a Margarita ( That wasn't bought huh? I think this is a list of souvenirs then) and oh, the leather stuff...

The trip has been amazing 'cause I got to know many people. For starters-
1. Tanvi - Must say, you are not high maintenance! People do not know you yet :)
2. Binayak- Dude! How come we were in the same class for fucking two years?? NOW I will miss you :) I still laugh thinking about your "get/need more grass" story :D ha ha.
3. Thup-den - Forgive me if I spelt your name wrong. You are "Oh- so- cute"! I love your stoned smile. :) I thank you for giving Sid, Tanvi and me some space in the cab! Meant a lot to me and totally appreciate it! :)
And yes, I will remember-
a.Tibet and what is happening there.
b. Do not buy Chinese stuff!( Sorry cannot give up on their food though!).

* * *

DAY 1. Location : Majestic bus stand, platform No.1

Mr. Bow decides to bring Old Monk (!) mixed with Pepsi. Take a swig. Some curse. Some smile. Mr.Bow is extremely excited! Hunt for the loo is on! After 15 mins, Sid points out one- disgusting! Repulsive! But the need to... Finally on the bus and on our way.

Mints-check! Mobile-Check! Luggage- check!Fags-check! Chocolates-check! Cash- who cares? Must be somewhere and lip balm? Oh boy! Totally in!

As I recall, this has been the best bus journey I have ever had. Staying up the whole night, speaking to Tanvi, Anna , Binayak and the others. I still remember, ha ha, the silly "black magic" thing we were discussing... :P

Discussing all crazy shit- from books, drugs to life at large. Anna, must say, I know I took you by surprise and yeah, you surprised me too! :) Gurl, missed you on the second part of the trip. And YOU DID NOT WEAR THE DRESS! :)

Ha ha! Sid, I heard your hostel "experiences" :P Can't forget easily, can I ? ;)

{... knee hurts. What the fuck! The table is rattling like a rabid dog! But I still have to write. Listening to "Hey you" by Floyd - thanks Sid! Perfect song for this mood! And GUY-ES (*wink* he he) no, I am no Über cool person who listens to Floyd, Doors, Beatles or whoever... Maybe it helps to know that the next song I played was "Zindagi" by Ganesh Hegde. Next in line was "Hotel California". I listen to Hip-hop and just love that junk :) }

Finally everyone falls asleep. But- oh my god- the Ghats! In turns I kept lolling on to Anna and Saqib. Nausea. Not good. Getting worse. Wake up!
Bus stops. Broken commodes- relief again- at least for those who are bold enough to venture into the "uncertain", if you get what I mean... The first smokes light up. Smiling faces again. Chole with rubbery maida sheets ( We all know what happened later- ROFL)!

Next stop- morning six. Backpacks, smokes and coffee ambled in and out of the bus. Oh... hm... The feel of humid air... Anywhere near Goa? Pif! Karwar they say.

Back on the bus, talking and me back to lolling, listening to Anna 's and my play list alternatively. And now... relief. Everyone beat but eager. Eager to...

{Lights out again! How the fuck is a person supposed to write in here? then again, how the fuck is a person supposed to sleep in here, eh?}

The mind often wanders...

{Oh! By the way, people in India are very sweet. People in here noticed me writing and they wanted me to switch on the light! Wow! Makes me happy :) But I declined the offer...}

Time- 10.30 A.m
Location- Bus/Taxi stand. Panaji.

Yay! Woohoo! Grab taxis! Hey, I do not climb buses in Bangalore! Why would I take one here? And ditto for the group!

Days 2, 3, 4, blah blah coming up :) Man, this trip was like a movie I think!
By the way, I tried a new style of writing. :P This style of writing has only one rule -"Follow no grammatical rules"

Love,
Ash :)