Now I know...

I was reading "The inscrutable Americans" by Anurag Mathur and for the first time I understood why I connect with America even though I have never been there... Why, I feel so lost and uncomfortable in India. Why I want to move to some far away place. No, its not that I hate India. Seriously, how can I ? A more appropriate question would be "Can I ever hate India?" 'Am so Indian- So many of my principles are Indian, my dreams are Indian and my very being is Indian. How can the tree survive when it is uprooted? Simple as that.

But I sure think its important for me to be in America. More like New York. Something fast, individualistic and busy.

There is a glory in some of the things that are quintessentially American- the hot dogs, bagels, liberty bell, the pubs, the cars, the "individualism" in the society... I want to be a part of it all... a tiny weeny dot in the big bad city :) You know what I mean ;P

I don't know how people assume that 'am "not" patriotic towards India just because I said "There is a glory in some things American..." Really? That's supposed to show that I am not patriotic? My question here is: "Do I want to be patriotic? Is it such a good quality that I MUST cultivate it?" I don't think so... By the way, if you must know, I AM patriotic but not a fanatic or a nationalist. I just happened to notice many of my friends join this community on Facebook called "I'm an Indian. Be jealous"; It only got me cackling like an old hag! Seriously! Is THAT what you consider "PATRIOTISM"?? :O Hm... Some thinking to do?

I'll be brutally honest at this point: I do believe that America is a much better place than India in many, many ways. And vice versa. Peace.

Anyway, this post was supposed be about the book "The inscrutable Americans" and well, it twisted itself into something else.

Adios amigos,
Ash

Happy Birthday Aarzoo :)

First and foremost- Happy 19th Birthday zoo!! I can call you that, can't I? :) I'll take the liberty... I know it feels strange to read this letter- (a) It's a LETTER. So ancient! (b) Why didn't I just tell you this? Why a LETTER? :) Drop those questions for now. The answers will come. :) I promise.

I have known you since you were 5. You should remember: This letter was written way back in 2010. What's it now? 2022? Hope my math was right. At this point, I love you so much that I just want to be optimistic and use " I have known you" instead of "I knew you". "I have known you" would imply that I never lost you and spent many a waking moment with you. :) I do hope so dearie.

Your mom is an amazing woman and so is your dad. I know you love Tammy too.She is very special. In a sense, your mom gave me life and the strength to live that life. I owe her.:) But oh yes, this letter isn't about your mom, dad, Tam or your amazing family- Manoj, Ammachi and Remi; it's about YOU.

First and foremost, I want you to know that "I LOVE YOU".You will always occupy a special place in my heart.I don't know whether you knew it then, but the summer of 2010 was a very special one for me. It was a difficult period, yes, but also one that I treasure! Who am I kidding? It was one of the toughest times, zoo. But you somehow helped me through most of it. People had walked in and out of my life too often back then, but you held on. You chose me as your Godmother remember? I know it was all in good fun but I took the title seriously :) You were my baby. I wish I could say the same now but I know both of us will be embarrassed- It's cool. :) I just wanted to be loved by someone and respected at the same time too - unconditionally. My family loved me but they are FAMILY, you know. Yeah, Rambo(Suzy) loved me unconditionally. I wanted some attention and pampering but like you know, I am too egoistic to stoop down and SEEK attention. I never will. And there you were with the sweetest smile and the purest of hearts (same goes for Tam)- I remember the way you girls hugged my legs(yeah, that's how tall you were) that indeed, transported me somewhere else... All the attention you showered me and minus the pity- oh boy! If only adults could learn to do that! Or just your gentle voice, calling out : "Ashwini didi". The way you would ask me every single time: "Ashwini, sleepover today? Yay! Come... come..." Ha ha I never told you but my chest would puff up, even if a little bit . I want to really thank you. Somehow, telling you "thank you" or "love you" sounds funny- I am just stating the obvious! :P

Sorry, most of what 'am writing must be mushy and corny. My sincere apologies but I do mean it- Down to every single word!

Your mom and I shared a very special bond. She's been my guardian angel, sister, mother, friend, mentor all rolled into one. I wish I can do something for you. Remember, I am just a call away. Be it girl problems, family problems, or you just want to rant or tell someone how happy you are with your boyfriend- you can always come to me! :D I would love to listen to all of it and waltz you through it! Don't worry, Tammy will get her's in due course. For now, its your turn. Wondering where is your gift? All you have to do is reach out- it's waiting for you. :)

Happy Birthday! :)
For you, a thousand times over.
Love,
Ash

I was fifteen when I wrote this somewhere. Just wanted to keep an account of it here :)

Spooky
3 Aug, 2006 5:40 PM


Something’s so different today. The sinking feeling in d four of us- the clouds, the sudden drizzle.
Its waaaay too weird. The feeling that something’s going wrong... our fight with arjun and the way he used subs name. The way anup is all showing off and the sudden attention. The lump in my throat. The Goosebumps. The way pratek said bye, n all the color from our faces was drained. The endless silence yet noise. Something’s just not right...... I can’t place it.
Hope he's all right!
Fingers crossed.
Ash :-(


[Anup committed suicide the next day:| I should have told him what I felt.]


Happy Day
1 Dec, 2006 6:16 PM
I am really happy coz when u asked me tat question I saw how vulnerable u are! For the 1st time I felt like I was talking to YOU n not to the most popular person in the college. Thanks for an amazing day! U didn’t lose... think about it!!!
Love :-)
ash

[I still treasure this moment dude!]

Blurts!

- Have I ever mentioned this before? When photographers take pictures of old monuments or old people and give it this sepia tone they think it will represent a time gone by or you know, just anything that's AGED. Guys, here's a pointer - Nobody is buying that crap! Phew

- Okay, I got a new mobile! Which is BTW, totally awe- wait for it- some!!! :D

- Another thing: Since today is FRIDAY, I have been expecting a call from a little someone. During this incredibly long wait, I have received annoying messages from Domino's Pizza, Airtel, some solar company, Oh and "news" updates from India Today. :O

- Okay I did read this status message on Facebook... Boy! I wanna know what it means! I hate it when I get this urge to psychoanalyze things!!! :|

- In case you were wondering whether I was fine, glad to tell you, (surprisingly) I'm do'in just fine. THANK YOU.

- Oh, I really want to go on a long drive. Just my car and I, the music, the open road. Oh please- no wind-in-my-face crap!

-A cocktail and a smoke or a cup of strawberry/blackcurrant ice cream! Tempting! (OK I admit it! I thought Blackcurrant was spelt blackcurrEnt) :P hehe

- I have been watching 'How I met your mother' with the most zombie look ever...

-Thanks Tanvi, for all the calls yesterday. :) I really needed it...

Love,
Ash

The most important poem I have written :)

WHEN I FELT LIKE DADDY’S LITTLE GIRL

I was born in 1990
On a warm summer morning
They said I was a still born baby
And I heard you cried a lot.

Somehow the doctors saved me
And granny believes you love me.
But daddy,
Do you really?

We never see eye to eye,
And never say “hi” or “bye”
But I love you dearly
Though, I pretend otherwise.

Tears roll down my cheeks
When I think of how we craved:
You- just to listen to my voice.
I -just to hug you tight.

But today you held my hands
While the doctors drew my blood,
Knowing I was shit scared
And needed your comfort.

You taught me how to drive
And pointed out each pothole…
And I felt like I tasted heaven
When I felt like daddy’s little girl.

Daddy, please forgive me
For all the times I acted
Like you never mattered.
Now, I just love you so.

Love,
Tuthuri/Attu
a.k.a Ash

My first fictional poem!

WHEN THE WOUND IS STILL SORE


I wore braces and the glasses too, oh yeah
I wore hipsters and no, not the black uns!
So people thought ‘am “plain Jane”…
But he saw someth’in different,
He called me Mandy Moore.

I knew ‘twas a lie but
I badly wanted a guy.
So I went along with what he said…
‘Twas just a trick to get what he wanted-
A last minute date to the prom.

We quickly made out-
Lest we loose each other.
So it never took us long
To reach second base.

Then we grew up
And grew out of love.

I cheated myself,
Like he knew I would…

Now, here you are-
Showing me how to do a shuffle.
Barely knowing, I can salsa too.
You tell me ‘am pretty (I know that myself)
And that you want to date me.

You call me every night and
Tempt me with Eden’s apples.
You tell me you will be there
To see me through everything-
Oh really?

You whisper sweet nothings,
Assuming you can woo me.
But now, ‘am a strong woman-
I won’t fall for that old trick.

I cheated myself,
Like you knew I would…

You deserve to know why I said “no”-
Baby, how can I date you when
The wound is still sore?

Just a little one!

A few days back, I was having a conversation with my friend after a really long time. Yeah, we spoke of was & when and how so much has changed in our lives. She is finally letting go of her fears and giving herself a chance to date someone. I can imagine the joy and relief she is feeling. The moment she told me she was seeing someone, I yelped with joy and did my -what Tanvi calls- the horny dance.(I do it every time I am excited and elated. It is called the horny dance because... well...it looks like 'am ...never mind! Somethings are best left unsaid.)So, the bottom line is- I was very happy for her.I always felt she was snazzy and deserved things that were good. Oh,at this point I must mention, it is because of her help that I somehow passed my French exams. And it is because of the faith she showed in me that today, God bless, I love the subject and I am managing pretty well! :) Thanks da!

All my friends knew about "him" and what happened later. This summer was special because I broke away from that twisted, toxic thing I had with him. I let go of some of my friends, so obviously, this year has been a bummer in the "relationships" department. :)But I am so close to my dream now... I can almost touch it and that feels so great! :D So while she is celebrating the "us", I am celebrating the "me" :) And this is such a good moment for both of us that I told her... "Hey, you know what? I feel like Life is hugging us."
She replied, "It is Ash! Finally!It is our time under the sun."
And I couldn't agree more!
Cheers to us babe!
And long live womanhood :P (Come one, I had to say something feminist!)
Luv,
Ash

P.S. LIFE IS HUGGING US!