My mobile!

Sitting in my boxers and tees, wondering how to kill time, I logged onto Facebook. Found sneha online. And this is how the conversation went-

Sneha: yoy! You got the call?(7:49pm)
Ash: Nope! my mob is a goner
So no one can call
:( I am desp! I want my mob I want it! I want it!
Sneha: what happened???
Ash: Gud story wanna listen? :P
Sneha: sure! always up for a story!
Ash: See, AAA (BBB aunty's daughter) has pee probs k?
But yesterday she forgot to get up n pee so she peed on bed. So wat u may say? Here is what
Ash: B4 sleepin,she n I were listenin to songs on my mob. She hit it by mistake n it fell behind d bed. Their bed is very heavy so wit gr8 difficulty we moved it n finally got d mob
Sneha:ooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhmmmmmmmmmmmmmyyyyyyyyyggggggggggggggooooooooooood
i thot water..!! pee???? eeeewwwwwwwww!:D sry for ur loss though :P

Ash:So d whole night I was clutchin on to my mob cause I was worried it would fall
Obvi after I fell asleep, it slipped n was somewhere near my knees
5am I woke up startled
relealised I was soaked in pee nfound d pee was in my mob as well!
So that is my sad state of affairs@
:(
I want my mob! I want my mob!
Sneha:poor u.. u shud have separated dat battery :P
somehow this is funny!
:D but very very sorry !
fo rur loss.. when is it going to be fine?
gave it to repair?
Ash:Nope not yet
Gau said let it dry for half day more
It is all dried
But the whole screen is white
I cannot see anything else
Tomo afternoon will giv it
I am feelin handicapped!
You wanna kno what foolish thing I did?:
Dont tell Gau plz

Sneha:yes sry sou ge call maadi kotte.
now i m free

Ash:Ok :) I realised d mob was smellin so I took incense sticks n tried to smoke out the vapor n smell frm mob
THAT is when it stopped working
DO- NOT- LAUGH!

Sneha:OMG! u r an item!

Ash:
:( What u doin now?
Ok I gtg. After talkin to you, I am missing my mob more! :(
Bye! Hmph~
all sadists :P

Sneha:
hey..i was just finding out from my frd
if he had xtra cell
for u.. ur sim is working rite?

Ash: :(

Sneha:yene? (In Kannada,meaning "What")

Ash:Yes it is...I feel so bad! 1 I dont have a mob
2 I cant believe the mob meant so much to me

Sneha: chill ya.. it ll be fine in 3 days :)
i think i can get u a cell for the time being.. he told he'll see if its still woeking.. its no hi5 posh mob but good enuf to
call n msg :)

Ash: ok thanks :)Plz see I might just need it for 2-3 days
I had a spare too... Cant find it

Sneha:i can get it if he has it tomo only..


Ash:
Thanks But still what if my mob can never be right again??
I love it :)

Sneha:lol.. it just got drenched!
in pee! :D
it'll be fine!
it might stink. but it ll be fine :)

Ash: No it smells like incense sticks :P
I fell off the chair now! :( Hurt my foot n broke the chair! Guess am accident prone today :|

Sneha:rofllllllllllll!!!!!

Ash:NOT funny-again!

Sneha:u have noclue!!
it is!! i got a tummy ache...

(8:23pm)
Ash:Let's hope this is not ur dinner time story . Ok let me go down n stuff somethin down my throat! :| Thanks a ton man
Buh bye
Tc

* * * * * * * *
Like Muthu said, you never know, THIS just might be shown on Ripley's :P
But the one thing I am not at all feeling good about is that I have lost all my contacts which were added in the last 6 months! :( But on the bright side, Ashwin's number is still there. :D

Love,
Ash

Vacations - Trip to Goa :)

I am still in Goa- actually, on the train bound to Bangalore. So, this was supposed to be my five day vacation- away from work.

* * *

So much on my mind and so little time to blog... Okay, let me cut the crap- I feel like such a hormone struck teenager right now. Cool breeze. The "choo chooo" of the train, middle aged women trying to get their children to sleep, Tanvi cuddled up in her seat and me- with a bundle of emotions, thoughts, writing in stark darkness... And that is how I like it. :)

I think I have a story to tell but I want to give it time...

* * *

So, back to the top? Yeah. Vacation. Goa. Sun, sand and surf ( I know Mr. Orwell is turning in his grave! :P). Smoke. Booze. WITH friends.

* * *

Another try. Positive. + . Think Po-si-tive bitch!
* * *
Hm, inspired by Kerouac 's "On the road "- there is something that happens to a person when they read it. Something threatening- a...a rebellion... an attitude...feeling gutsy! Maybe that is why I have not completed it?

My mind wonders... The things I bought- The Buddha, Tibetan flag (must remmember to ask Thup den about it!), stuff from Anjuna flea market, a broken stirrer from a Margarita ( That wasn't bought huh? I think this is a list of souvenirs then) and oh, the leather stuff...

The trip has been amazing 'cause I got to know many people. For starters-
1. Tanvi - Must say, you are not high maintenance! People do not know you yet :)
2. Binayak- Dude! How come we were in the same class for fucking two years?? NOW I will miss you :) I still laugh thinking about your "get/need more grass" story :D ha ha.
3. Thup-den - Forgive me if I spelt your name wrong. You are "Oh- so- cute"! I love your stoned smile. :) I thank you for giving Sid, Tanvi and me some space in the cab! Meant a lot to me and totally appreciate it! :)
And yes, I will remember-
a.Tibet and what is happening there.
b. Do not buy Chinese stuff!( Sorry cannot give up on their food though!).

* * *

DAY 1. Location : Majestic bus stand, platform No.1

Mr. Bow decides to bring Old Monk (!) mixed with Pepsi. Take a swig. Some curse. Some smile. Mr.Bow is extremely excited! Hunt for the loo is on! After 15 mins, Sid points out one- disgusting! Repulsive! But the need to... Finally on the bus and on our way.

Mints-check! Mobile-Check! Luggage- check!Fags-check! Chocolates-check! Cash- who cares? Must be somewhere and lip balm? Oh boy! Totally in!

As I recall, this has been the best bus journey I have ever had. Staying up the whole night, speaking to Tanvi, Anna , Binayak and the others. I still remember, ha ha, the silly "black magic" thing we were discussing... :P

Discussing all crazy shit- from books, drugs to life at large. Anna, must say, I know I took you by surprise and yeah, you surprised me too! :) Gurl, missed you on the second part of the trip. And YOU DID NOT WEAR THE DRESS! :)

Ha ha! Sid, I heard your hostel "experiences" :P Can't forget easily, can I ? ;)

{... knee hurts. What the fuck! The table is rattling like a rabid dog! But I still have to write. Listening to "Hey you" by Floyd - thanks Sid! Perfect song for this mood! And GUY-ES (*wink* he he) no, I am no Über cool person who listens to Floyd, Doors, Beatles or whoever... Maybe it helps to know that the next song I played was "Zindagi" by Ganesh Hegde. Next in line was "Hotel California". I listen to Hip-hop and just love that junk :) }

Finally everyone falls asleep. But- oh my god- the Ghats! In turns I kept lolling on to Anna and Saqib. Nausea. Not good. Getting worse. Wake up!
Bus stops. Broken commodes- relief again- at least for those who are bold enough to venture into the "uncertain", if you get what I mean... The first smokes light up. Smiling faces again. Chole with rubbery maida sheets ( We all know what happened later- ROFL)!

Next stop- morning six. Backpacks, smokes and coffee ambled in and out of the bus. Oh... hm... The feel of humid air... Anywhere near Goa? Pif! Karwar they say.

Back on the bus, talking and me back to lolling, listening to Anna 's and my play list alternatively. And now... relief. Everyone beat but eager. Eager to...

{Lights out again! How the fuck is a person supposed to write in here? then again, how the fuck is a person supposed to sleep in here, eh?}

The mind often wanders...

{Oh! By the way, people in India are very sweet. People in here noticed me writing and they wanted me to switch on the light! Wow! Makes me happy :) But I declined the offer...}

Time- 10.30 A.m
Location- Bus/Taxi stand. Panaji.

Yay! Woohoo! Grab taxis! Hey, I do not climb buses in Bangalore! Why would I take one here? And ditto for the group!

Days 2, 3, 4, blah blah coming up :) Man, this trip was like a movie I think!
By the way, I tried a new style of writing. :P This style of writing has only one rule -"Follow no grammatical rules"

Love,
Ash :)

10 things I wanna wanna wanna do! :P

1. Go to Mangalore! I am dying to be there! :( Sigh!
2. Dance... Wait! I wanna dance in an empty audi... With the spotlights on me... Either freestyle(solo) or salsa/Tango with a guy who cannot dance :P(quirky? I know!)
3. Have a sleepover at sneh's or Shobi's place. :) Love you girls!
4. Go to the gym right now!
5.Walk in the rain! No, not with the "love of your life"! Jesus! Walk alone...
6.Cry... Get these stuff out of my system...
7. It is Rambo's birthday! So I wish I could take him swimming somewhere! :)
8. I wish I could talk to Ashwin. The fool is not picking my calls!! Guess who will regret it later? *smirk*
9. When did I learn to giggle like a fool?! Wish I could stop...
10. I want classes to start! (Yeah roll your eyes...no, no go on...)

Certificate Course Assignment :) Take a lookie

EVALUATING NED BLOCK’S AND DANIEL DENNET’S CONVERSATIONS ON CONSCIOUSNESS

Before the classes on consciousness had begun, I used to often wonder why the Department of Psychology was offering a course on “boring” consciousness. The Unconscious was more exciting to me. But how wrong I was! The study of consciousness is not easy, firm, or a given. Consciousness was not any of that!
On the completion of our course, we have been asked to analyze at least two interviewees from Susan Blackmore’s book – Conversations on consciousness. For the above mentioned purpose, I have chosen the interview of Ned Block and Daniel Dennett.
* * *
Daniel Dennett is known for his rejection of the Cartesian theatre in favor of his theory of multiple drafts. The theory of
Multiple drafts views the mind in terms of information processing. It supports the possibility of Artificial Intelligence. Dennett is influenced by Darwin’s evolutionary perspective and this becomes obvious in the following lines-
“We have been created by the process of evolution, both genetic and cultural.”(Pg. 83)
I agree with him on the problem with consciousness- We are things with a point of view, and with the capacity to reflect on that point of view and talk about it. We are trapped within that point of view.
Therefore, our first problem is that ability to know more about our own nature. Also, so many people have intuitions about consciousness, that it has become a struggle to get people working in consciousness to start abandoning their views.
Ned Block is known for his critic on functionalism (arguing that a system with the same functional states as a human is not necessarily conscious), thought experiments like Chinese nation/ China brain and distinction between access and phenomenal consciousness.
He takes the hard problem head on! He feels the problem is “what is consciousness?” The other problem according to him is that there is no progress in studying phenomenology. Phenomenology is primarily concerned with the systematic reflection on and analysis of the structures of consciousness, and the phenomena which appear in acts of consciousness.
Dennett says he has given up the idea of zombie hunch. Ned Block on the other hand believes in one type of the philosopher’s zombie- therefore he came up with the idea of China brain- a zombie that functions like the human brain but physically looks nothing like it. On the other hand, he does not believe in the kind of zombie David Chalmers believes in.
We can also notice that Dennett is very clear and confident of his answers. He is lucid and takes time to explain his opinions. Ned Block is not very clear/ expressive/articulate and often gets jumbled when questioned by Blackmore.
Both of them do believe that they have free will. Ned goes on to explain that if we take a deflated idea of free will, he has free will and if we take an inflated idea of free will- he lacks it. Ned block distinguished between Access consciousness and phenomenal consciousness. Dan, however, felt that it was a false distinction and it will disappear.
When questioned whether studying consciousness changed the way they viewed themselves, Ned replied it had while Dennett felt it never came as a surprise to him. Ned advocates Phenomenology which studies subjective experiences. Dennett prefers heterophenomenology- scientific, third person study of consciousness.
It is important to note that both of them reject the idea of a Cartesian theatre.
Ned believes that the physiology of the human brain determines our phenomenology, i.e., he believes that consciousness is generated in the brain. He defines the self as a constellation of states that interact with each other. Dennett defines the self as “the agent” and by that he refers to the whole body.
Dennett mentions the top- down theory of creativity: that it takes a big fancy thing to make a less fancy thing. Potters make pots, pots don’t make potters. Therefore, we must be made by something more wonderful still, which is God. He feels the only possibility of a life after death is through being popular even after death, especially in the case of celebrities. He feels his best work is his move towards counter-intuitiveness. In relation to qualia, he feels that we have to recognize that however unanalysable, indissoluble, however intrinsically present that all seems to us, what has to be explained is that it seems to us and not that it is really so.
“Those are two halves you have got to explain. And people – wonderfully conveniently for them, and inconveniently for the truth – forget that it seems that way to the zombie too.”
When he uses the word truth, I have a problem there. He somehow forgets the philosophical debate surrounding the idea of “truth” (borrowing from Aristotle, Kant and Nietzsche). Dennett masterfully uses elements from the field of arts and science (referring to C.P Snow’s essay “Two Cultures”). C.P Snow feels that to make developments in human knowledge we have to bridge the gap between the scientist and the artist. When Dennett uses the word “truth” it seems paradoxical because C.P Snow has clearly mentioned that when scientists’ aim to find the truth, they get caught in the moral un-neutrality of science; on the other hand, Dennett is very proud that his heterophenomenology is a very scientific method. According to Dennett the solution to the problem of consciousness lies in making oneself big, really big. The deadly error is to retreat into the self. Dennett is not one of those who believe that after we explain the various processes in the brain like learning, memory, reasoning etc., there will still remain the problem of “you have left something out” – consciousness. That is why he rejects the idea of Cartesian theatre.
The best way (as of now) to deal with both Ned Block and Dennett is to adopt the eclectic position i.e. to use the best they both have to offer. I do feel more connected with Dennett’s stance regarding consciousness and I believe we should take the route of heterophenomenology. Ned Block’s distinction between access consciousness and phenomenal consciousness is very useful in removing confusions regarding phenomenology of consciousness and I am in favor of it.


-Ashwini K

You are such a faker, you know that,
All the..."oh! I don't get involved in all this",is such a give away!
But...why are you like this?
Lemme look at your history.

Your mom wanted you to be a rose but you could not,
so came the mount of gook.
You always wanted to prove that you can be soft,
So,you batted your lashes all the time.

There was this guy whom you adored,
but he liked your petite, glam friend.
oh!The rage you felt! so, you started donning that wretched halter.
He would glance at you once, but that was it.

Your English teacher.How can you forget?
How you drank the whole dictionary to impress her with your "incomprehensible" words?
You slept at 4 A.M. every time before her class.
Damn! Those dark circles!

Sometimes when your maternal aunt commented on your pathetic manners with elders,
you tried your level best not to spread your legs apart and sit,
And say "please" and "oh, that's not a problem" a thousand times.

How many times you forced yourself to have that awful drink...
You don't even know its name!
All in the name to show that you are something different.
You can never forget the way you cried...when you puked.

You always hated the way your hair looked,
straightening, conditioning and the works...
It looked nothing less than a nest.
But do you still hate it?

You love celebrating your birthday.
You want that guy to fawn over you.
You hate those black pumps.
How you yearn to say that you still love Aqua.

You are such a big faker.
I can see it so well now. But you know what?
It doesn't make a difference, 'cause you simply can't see who you are anymore...
I've lost you ... my friend.

-MARINA PAULOSE

If this is called LIFE or GROWING UP...

There are some stories inspired by life and some you coax out of yourself and then there are those that you MUST write... This is one such story. A story of my mistakes that I am proud to narrate because they brought me to some of the best things - my friends. Some of them will have privacy issues and hence all their names have been changed. I don't write this to blame 'em or blame myself, but to just acknowledge (for the first time) that we were all right and we were all wrong.

I have heard that while writing "On the Road"(1957), Jack Kerouac stayed up one night and during that duration, he wrote his novel never knowing that it would define a generation! And today,I've experienced something like that... A need to write ENDLESSLY. To go ON and SAY IT! Say it...

Before I start I must confess that right now, my emotional state is one mixed with elation, nostalgia and extreme depression (well, not suicidal!).I know that I am in a position where I feel none of my friends are WITH me although they are THERE for me... Some I know are being honest and some continue to lie whilst others are indifferent. There is this void I can feel because simply put, I am lonely- the others have found their happy homes. Its not too surprising that I started my story with what happens in the end- I have always hated those authors who keep you waiting till the end and the end ain't even worth it!

So, here is the end. Me.Typing.On the comp. At 12.15 A.M.

The immediate event leading to this being, looking through all our pics on the comp. I do not know if we will ever meet again or keep in touch. Some are planning on loafing around after college, while others have marriage on their minds and the rest wanna get into a university.

The story starts wa-aa-ay back in 2003 when I joined Carmel Convent. I had loved my previous school but my parents definitely didn't share the same view. So here I was in a new school and I was already late for my class-The school assembly had already started and I was busy staring at faces. That evening, my classmate (Monisha)introduced me to two girls in the school van- A and B.
Now, A and B were friends through out pre- school and all the way till high school.
Few years later i met 'em again in Christ college, year 2005-06. We were to be classmates throughout pre-university!!Woohoo! (Woohoo??)

Then we became quite a gang and others joined us- c(i loved her for her knowledge but everyone thought she was snobby, D- I don't remember about her and E who was well, "clingy" back then?? Can't say for sure. We had more than our share of fights which needless to say were downright stupid and silly.It always had someone feeling "ignored'/"left out" and resulted in leaving at least one person crying. Ha ha usually, it would be D. I guess she was sensitive. But we had some kick-ass fun too!!! Totally memorable and not just because "it-happened-to-me"! The fights... they increased and left us tired and bitter. Mais, we were friends!!! Hm...
At the time I had another set of friends- Indu, Nidhi and my all time fav- Ashwin!!!
He seriously is my sweetheart!( By the way, he and I have been friends for over 12yrs!! Even now I keep meeting him). He has always been the wise-goose! :)

Because it was so much fun being with the three of 'em, I never was very close to the others. I was sick of their politics and petty fights... Some were too orthodox for me to handle.( Today, I have learnt to accept them as well :) )

At one point, I was so close to both the group of friends! To cut a long story short, I had a horrible fight with Indu and eventually i repeated that with Nidhi. I had lost them both - forever. I have tried to call and straighten things out- they still haven't been able to forgive me and I don't blame them whatsoever.

By the summer of 2008, things were just getting worse. I realized I had befriended a wrong set of people- no, not that they were bad, but I think we were never meant to be a group or at least, I wasn't meant to be a part of that group. I love 'em all- INDIVIDUALLY. Its like, when in a group, they are at their sarcastic best! I don't understand. They COMPETE when in a group and I am no less...

WE are in our second year of graduation. Current status: A is no longer a part of our group. She was mercilessly "eliminated" as she was not "open-minded" enough. Ashwin is not here- he is doing his B.E ( we are doing B.A). C and D are in the same class and are happy. I think they are really good! Especially C without whom I cannot even dream of passing my French exams! :) B and E are in the same class. B has changed so much ( for the worse), I cannot fathom that I know her.

Introducing... Two new characters- G and H ( since I am the "F") :O
G was my best bud throughout these two years!!! Oh my, she and I were a wild bunch. I kinda miss her now but I know (for sure) I am better off without her.I am sick and tired of baby-sitting her all these days!! But damn! I love her! :D

Enter H- The guy Ashwin hated but i loved. (ziiiiiip!) He is (also!) not a part of my life now and I kinda, sorta miss him. He was fun alright!

G had become a part of our group- she and I were a team! Speak about her later under another topic.
G , C and I went o Kerla- G's hometown and I was looking through those pics on the comp and i realized that I AM MADLY IN LOVE WITH ALL MY FRIENDS. Its sad that all our priorities have changed. We are all moving in different directions!!! I am trying to hold a grip on the sands of time .I can see I am failing miserably! :)
C and D are very polite and are courteous-they respect what we have been through as friends. G is not to be seen or heard at all. I like it that way. Its been 6 months since H left. F is... well, fucked up but in a way, calm and peaceful. B and E are seething- they believe that they haven't redeemed themselves-YET.

So, basically, THIS is my sad state of affairs... :)

Oh freak! Ram is howling and it is so eerie... When he howls, I am reminded of the woman from "The Yellow Wallpaper" by Charlotte Perkins Gilman.

I think I can hear footsteps- no, yes, no, I am just hallucinating!

OKAY!I AM PANICKING! DON'T PANIC! AM PANICKING! DAMN! ITS 2 A.M.WHOSE THERE??!! I AM PANI- HIC- ING! PANCI-

Psychology after Foucault

This is an assignment I wrote.

With the risk of sounding clichéd, I would like to state that as I recall, I did not know what to expect when I joined the course- Psychology after Foucault. The previous semester, I had joined another certificate course by CSCS on Gender and Culture; hence I had expected the “suffering” to be a part of it. Though (objectively) I had decided that I would not let this (Gender and Culture) course “get to me”, it invariably did! After knowing about the ‘other’ (often neglected) side of “our world” it becomes difficult to ignore it, to not CHANGE and QUESTION your day to day activities, attitudes, prejudices and thoughts-especially those that stereotype. My problem was dealing with the dichotomies- black and white, right and wrong, life and death, man and woman, et cetera. And that brings me to a dichotomy which forms the central element of Psychology- reason and unreason. The course promised to address it and that brought me to more “suffering” (as Anup would have it called!).

During the course, we studied madness- its origin (in a sense), causes and effects and Who is wielding its power by reading ’The History of Madness’ by Michelle Foucault. To put it simply- as a student of psychology and literature, I was the one who would get the “privilege” to exercise that power (I know, duh!). Through the use of Language, I would be installing and widening the gap between reason and madness; through Psychology, I would be using this distinction between reason and unreason/madness as if it were a given, a natural.

The effect of this course was felt in both, my public and private spheres (ironic that I am using another dichotomy!). Private because firstly, I am questioning and re-thinking my decision to study Psychology and wondering how I can work my way through this problem if I do make the decision to practice psychology. Secondly, I no longer have the confidence to judge or to criticize anything because suddenly my faith in knowledge (that I possessed) about myself, others and things around me has been shaken. Public because simply, after reading Foucault; I cannot innocently nod when my psychology lecturer speaks about the ways in which we can “cure”/”treat” the unreasonable, the mad. Something is just not right there and it needs to be changed, altered or at least be dealt with!

As long as I can remember, my only problem with people was that they did not have a purpose in life or some were just not “serious” enough. They could laugh at all things silly and that made them “stupid” but Foucault taught me that I (badly) needed a paradigm shift. Who is to say “stupid” is not the way to live? Or in other words “not being stupid” is the way to live?! (Am I confusing here??)

Also, there is no longer a dying urge to justify my actions. For instance:

I used Foucault to read the poem ’Theme for English B’ by Langston Hughes, with the class.

In the poem, the instructor (white) asks his students to write a page and to keep it “true”. The poem mostly is a response by one of his students (colored).

An extract from the said poem:

“As I learn from you,
I guess you learn from me
although you're older and white
and somewhat more free.”

These lines show that knowledge is two dimensional. Both the reasonable (the teacher) and the unreasonable (the student) interact and learn from each other. When I took this observation to class it resulted in a heated debate where I eventually lost my temper and banged my fists on the table. Being me, I would have apologized profusely and would have been embarrassed. BUT after Foucault happened, I feel that even though my behavior has been understood as “unreasonable”, it is okay by me because at least I was being true to myself. I feel that if I am “unreasonable” at times, it is okay to express it and there is no need to be apologetic about it or fear it and suppress it!

For the time being, I deal with Foucault and my “sufferings” (“I” can “see” Anup smiling) by believing in psychological realism- the belief that each one experiences reality in different ways, according to their psyche. In other words- there is no reality, only perceptions. And there is no right or wrong perception.

Like Pascal said, “men are so necessarily mad, that not being mad would be being mad through another trick that madness played.”