Friday, July 6, 2012
Thursday, April 5, 2012
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Yellow Dresses and Red Roses
You know that fabulous feeling when (you know) you're all screwed up, there she stands -poking fun at ya, not wanting to miss a chance to capture your most embarrassing moment, but when you act hurt, she'll buy you anything or bake a muffin maybe!! Or do your laundry for a week?! And then you thank God 'cause you know here is someone who'll stick by you.
Yes, there are days when I wait- maybe a message will pop up. No! I don't expect an apology- I just want to know that the times we spent doing everything we did, will be respected and treasured. I eagerly await the day I will be granted this little wish of mine.
Love,
Ash
Yes, there are days when I wait- maybe a message will pop up. No! I don't expect an apology- I just want to know that the times we spent doing everything we did, will be respected and treasured. I eagerly await the day I will be granted this little wish of mine.
Love,
Ash
Thursday, May 12, 2011
Another journel entry
Its a funny thing this life, just like my fountain pen. My pen promises to write better while life promises to get better. Of course, both are lying. And the funnier thing is we humans LOVE the lie- why else do you think we created God? Personally, I love my pen, my life and their lies. It gives hope. Nah, not of better days, a happier life. But hope to... stay put. It lets you believe that there is a point in living a life. So sorry if I've broken your happy bubble. And no, 'am not a cynic. Its just that 'am turning into an adult.
I finished my exams, got a fellowship, India won its second cricket World cup, Muttu is planning to move out of Bangalore, 'am moving away from my friends and my family and 'am still asking- "So what?? What's the point?"
CHANGE. Such a strange, strange word. Some ask for it whilst others resist it like the plague, some just 'deal' with it, some others 'embrace' it but the majority remain confused and when they run out of time to take a decision, they panic. They grab the first thing that comes their way and BAM! There begins a hell of a life.
I just realized- I like this blue. Blue ink.
Dated: 3/3/11
Ash
There are only two types of people in the world-those who read and those who don't
I can't help but think how safe I feel here;'here' being the library in my college. It's just me,the book, a comfortable chair and my bearings spread out on the table. Cozy. No conversation needed. No crowd ( we are speaking of 18-20 year old students, remember?). The building is well ventilated with windows everywhere. I couldn't have asked for a better day to read- the sunlight seducing my senses while the fan has a lulling effect. Sigh! I know I'll miss days like these- being with myself, reading a good book while occasionally lifting my head to look around the floor.
Dated: 15/1/11
Ash
Dated: 15/1/11
Ash
Monday, May 9, 2011
Emptying closets
This is, in all likelihood, my last year in Bangalore- I'm moving out for professional growth and educational opportunities(will write about it soon). So, each of the things I clean- from my spice rack in the kitchen to my book collection in the library- I know that 'am secretly saying good-bye. Before I dust off a book, for example, there is this need to hold it tenderly and remember the time I first held it- yes, I know where,when,how,why I bought each of those books. similarly for the spices- I clearly remember where I bought them and for which dish. For example- I bought those Vanilla sticks from Kerala, from a private farm. I guess, I want to keep afresh the memories I have of those species, the books, the furniture, a rag doll, few crumpled movies tickets, my obsessive collection of stationery - esp papers and notebooks!! But funnily, when it comes to people- I'm slowly tearing away some memories. I guess... I don't want that baggage anymore. Yes, 'am doing it silently. So far hit- one man and two women down :)So yes, I'm emptying closets.
While cleaning the attic I made a wonderful discovery- love letters!! Ha ha Now listen-its kinda cute. Before my mum and dad got married, they were apart for a year after their engagement. Yes, those letters were a product of that one year of staying apart. Now, obviously 'am not revealing the contents. But what I will let you know is what those letters did to me. They gave me happiness and peace of mind. It wasn't relief - it was... happiness... It was honestly, a side of my father I had never seen. I will stop this post here-yes, its abrupt but I can't go on... 'am so choked with emotions... Life IS b-e-u-t-ful!!!
This season, may love enter your homes and your hearts.
Love,
Ash
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Annaiya
“Annaiya! Annaiya! Haal kardaitu. Iga yen madli?”
(“Brother! Brother! I finished milking the cows. Now what shall I do?”)
“Snana madu. Nagappan devasthanakke hogona.”
(“Take a bath. Let’s go to the Snake temple.”)
* * * *
That was years ago but looking at this tribal mask in front of me, my mind refused to get away from that memory-a memory I was desperate to forget, to erase off my mind. These very thoughts spoilt my monthly trips to @Home, a chic home décor boutique in Bangalore.
“Mommy!”
Shruti and Krish.
I had to adopt them when I was only 26. I love them but I remain (mostly) confused about how to bring them up. When time and again the same questions pester my mind, I am reminded that there have always been two choices- either the past or the present. Never mind all this. How are you to make sense of my story when I haven’t told you anything about Sudhamanad and my life there?
Sudhamanad! Sudhamanad…
All I have to do is say the name and a million memories would tumble and roll in my head. This would make me slightly dizzy as I was suddenly thrown off balance by the weight of it. Moreover, I was never allowed to withdraw a single memory from that lot. I could only feel the melancholy and after a few minutes, the guilt- the guilt of abandoning my people and denying them a place in “my past”. The guilt would always, invariably come but more than often, I would openly invite it. I would dowse myself in the guilt- enjoy it, celebrate it even. Maybe it made me feel like I’d paid the price or that I’d been punished (and rightly so) for the ‘sin’ I had committed.
The ‘Sin’? A big one! It’s the sin of lying about the past not only to myself but also my children. Yes. I am ashamed of it but the past is too complex for me to handle. What do I tell my children? That I received them as a gift from the neighbors?! Sigh! Regardless of how ridiculous it sounds, to the best of my knowledge, it remains a fact.
In Sudhamanad, there is the festival of the Gungutla (the childless). During the first week of spring, when champa starts to blossom, all the childless women of the tribe would gather around the imli (tamarind) trees. The childless women along with their men would stand at the centre and the other women (who would give away their new born as a gift to the deserving) along with their husbands would make the outer circle. The moment the sun rose, the eldest couple of the tribe would drink a glass of goat’s milk announcing the start of the festival. The men in the centre of the circle had to climb the trees and grab as many imlis as possible. Their wives at the bottom were in charge of grounding the imlis into a paste. The couple that had the largest quantity of the ground imli would get the chance to pick a baby of their choice. They would then name the child in the presence of its birth mother and father, the eldest couple and the members of the tribe. This naming ceremony marked the end of the ritual. There would be other added attractions too – tree climbing competitions, flame blowers, drum beaters etcetera.
Annaya always won the tree climbing competitions. There was not a faster climber than him in our or the next seven villages. So, years later, when he participated along with his wife (akka), no one doubted their chance to a win. That is how they received my Krish and Shruti. Three years later, akka passed away and the children were left in my care.
* * * *
Long ago in 1990, when I was 15, the Indian government released their new economic policy – liberalization, privatization and globalization. Under this economic model, they also launched a very ambitious project of achieving 100% literacy rate by 1995. My village – Sudhamanad was covered under this project and all my classmates were given scholarships to attend an English medium government school in a nearby town - Mangalore.
Annaya let me go as he believed in the cause of the State. But many of my friends did not turn up. Their parents believed that a sound knowledge of the forest we lived in was enough to ensure them a good life.
* * * *
Mangalore was completely different to how I had imagined it. I felt I was on alien land – there were those weird clothed people, the funny looking vehicles and their language… It was just … strange! As soon as I came I wanted to leave - no, run! But I thought of Annaya and mustered the courage to stay.
In the following months I realized that I had more pressing problems to take care of. People were giving me funny looks. My classmates were always noticing my acche (tattoo) of Nagappa, they constantly smelled my hair, they knew it just as well as I did that I could not speak their language and they always cast their escalator eyes on the way I had dressed. Then, they started nagging me – asking me where I had got that special perfume of mine. Their laughter often drowned my feeble replies. When I asked my teacher (with a choked voice nonetheless) what I could do about it, she would flatly say that I should stop wearing saris and instead wear pants and school shirts. So, I changed. I wore what they wanted me to wear, I left my hair open – just the way they liked it and pretty soon I learned to speak their language. Needless to say, I stopped wearing my anklets, nose rings and toe rings. Whenever I looked in the mirror, I would be shocked to see how much I resembled them but it only made me proud - my chest would swell, even if, just a little bit. So I came to hide every thing that lay within me – the caves, forests, animals, rituals and my people. From something I had to do consciously, it slowly became a habit and very soon a way of life for me.
* * * *
As a part of his school assignment, Krish was asked to cook his “traditional” food. When he had came home asking help for the same, that feeling of dizziness, of being thrown off balance had returned to me. I would feel the same when Shruti asked me to buy her anklets or nose rings for her Bharatanatyam classes. I was torn- the self being suspended between the past and the present. The future always seems bleak from such a position…
* * * *
But what was my mistake? When did I make the mistake? All I wanted back then was to make sense of my reality, my surroundings.
From something I had to do consciously, it slowly became a habit and very soon a way of life for me.
(“Brother! Brother! I finished milking the cows. Now what shall I do?”)
“Snana madu. Nagappan devasthanakke hogona.”
(“Take a bath. Let’s go to the Snake temple.”)
* * * *
That was years ago but looking at this tribal mask in front of me, my mind refused to get away from that memory-a memory I was desperate to forget, to erase off my mind. These very thoughts spoilt my monthly trips to @Home, a chic home décor boutique in Bangalore.
“Mommy!”
Shruti and Krish.
I had to adopt them when I was only 26. I love them but I remain (mostly) confused about how to bring them up. When time and again the same questions pester my mind, I am reminded that there have always been two choices- either the past or the present. Never mind all this. How are you to make sense of my story when I haven’t told you anything about Sudhamanad and my life there?
Sudhamanad! Sudhamanad…
All I have to do is say the name and a million memories would tumble and roll in my head. This would make me slightly dizzy as I was suddenly thrown off balance by the weight of it. Moreover, I was never allowed to withdraw a single memory from that lot. I could only feel the melancholy and after a few minutes, the guilt- the guilt of abandoning my people and denying them a place in “my past”. The guilt would always, invariably come but more than often, I would openly invite it. I would dowse myself in the guilt- enjoy it, celebrate it even. Maybe it made me feel like I’d paid the price or that I’d been punished (and rightly so) for the ‘sin’ I had committed.
The ‘Sin’? A big one! It’s the sin of lying about the past not only to myself but also my children. Yes. I am ashamed of it but the past is too complex for me to handle. What do I tell my children? That I received them as a gift from the neighbors?! Sigh! Regardless of how ridiculous it sounds, to the best of my knowledge, it remains a fact.
In Sudhamanad, there is the festival of the Gungutla (the childless). During the first week of spring, when champa starts to blossom, all the childless women of the tribe would gather around the imli (tamarind) trees. The childless women along with their men would stand at the centre and the other women (who would give away their new born as a gift to the deserving) along with their husbands would make the outer circle. The moment the sun rose, the eldest couple of the tribe would drink a glass of goat’s milk announcing the start of the festival. The men in the centre of the circle had to climb the trees and grab as many imlis as possible. Their wives at the bottom were in charge of grounding the imlis into a paste. The couple that had the largest quantity of the ground imli would get the chance to pick a baby of their choice. They would then name the child in the presence of its birth mother and father, the eldest couple and the members of the tribe. This naming ceremony marked the end of the ritual. There would be other added attractions too – tree climbing competitions, flame blowers, drum beaters etcetera.
Annaya always won the tree climbing competitions. There was not a faster climber than him in our or the next seven villages. So, years later, when he participated along with his wife (akka), no one doubted their chance to a win. That is how they received my Krish and Shruti. Three years later, akka passed away and the children were left in my care.
* * * *
Long ago in 1990, when I was 15, the Indian government released their new economic policy – liberalization, privatization and globalization. Under this economic model, they also launched a very ambitious project of achieving 100% literacy rate by 1995. My village – Sudhamanad was covered under this project and all my classmates were given scholarships to attend an English medium government school in a nearby town - Mangalore.
Annaya let me go as he believed in the cause of the State. But many of my friends did not turn up. Their parents believed that a sound knowledge of the forest we lived in was enough to ensure them a good life.
* * * *
Mangalore was completely different to how I had imagined it. I felt I was on alien land – there were those weird clothed people, the funny looking vehicles and their language… It was just … strange! As soon as I came I wanted to leave - no, run! But I thought of Annaya and mustered the courage to stay.
In the following months I realized that I had more pressing problems to take care of. People were giving me funny looks. My classmates were always noticing my acche (tattoo) of Nagappa, they constantly smelled my hair, they knew it just as well as I did that I could not speak their language and they always cast their escalator eyes on the way I had dressed. Then, they started nagging me – asking me where I had got that special perfume of mine. Their laughter often drowned my feeble replies. When I asked my teacher (with a choked voice nonetheless) what I could do about it, she would flatly say that I should stop wearing saris and instead wear pants and school shirts. So, I changed. I wore what they wanted me to wear, I left my hair open – just the way they liked it and pretty soon I learned to speak their language. Needless to say, I stopped wearing my anklets, nose rings and toe rings. Whenever I looked in the mirror, I would be shocked to see how much I resembled them but it only made me proud - my chest would swell, even if, just a little bit. So I came to hide every thing that lay within me – the caves, forests, animals, rituals and my people. From something I had to do consciously, it slowly became a habit and very soon a way of life for me.
* * * *
As a part of his school assignment, Krish was asked to cook his “traditional” food. When he had came home asking help for the same, that feeling of dizziness, of being thrown off balance had returned to me. I would feel the same when Shruti asked me to buy her anklets or nose rings for her Bharatanatyam classes. I was torn- the self being suspended between the past and the present. The future always seems bleak from such a position…
* * * *
But what was my mistake? When did I make the mistake? All I wanted back then was to make sense of my reality, my surroundings.
From something I had to do consciously, it slowly became a habit and very soon a way of life for me.
Monday, October 11, 2010
In a croaking voice...
If she tied strings around your heart and tugged at it a little hard,
would you leave?
Would you walk?(away)
Would you run?(to...)
Would you be calm?!
Would you reappear or merely "appear"?
When he called me back and told me how he missed me at night,
no, not as a passionate lover
but as something much more...
What could be much more, you ask.
Ah,I recognize that tone- I've heard it before.I'm not sure I like it.
I storm out and bang the door as I leave.
To,
Nishant
Richard
Mezack(I still don't know how to spell your name!)*Bows head in shame*
Ashwin (The only innocent thing here and the one I dearly love)
Krishnan
Rakesh
Aman
Ashish
Roshan
Aditya
Kevin
Manoj
Yatin
Chethan
Sudhamshu
Sunday, August 29, 2010
I love watching chick flicks and reading chick lit. Okay! Not ALL the time! It makes me feel like there's so much more to me. Oh boy! Last post was about "MY" future, today I'm speaking about the "me". Narcissistic! Or is a blog essentially about the "I". AShwini, please accept things and DON'T be in denial! u are NARCISSISTIC! Hmph!
Saturday, August 28, 2010
"Anybody there??"
I was, as usual, wondering about higher education. MY higher education to be precise. Last weekend I finished my first round of interviews for the Rhodes Scholarship. Wow! THAT was something... First, I had to build myself up- through my Statement of purpose, Resume,reference letters, etc. I applied for the M.St. in English and American Studies. Sigh~ But in the interview,I think they tore me. Tore me good. Oh but I mean that in a good way. I saw my faults- there's no denial.I saw HOW much MORE there is to knowledge, how I've conveniently left somethings out. Though I study Literature, I have never consulted visual or auditory text!! As an academician or as a student, I don't have the privilege of restricting myself! And for the first time, I was nervous during the interview- heart pounding, tongue tied et al. Yup! It happened! I walked out the door, feeling completely stupid! But on the brighter side, the whole experience showed me how lucky I am! SO many people love and respect me. They expect so much more from me and were so happy and proud of me! And no, it did not pressurize me, it made me work harder and be humble. I am so thankful to my family,friends and mentors.
For heavens sake I CAN'T be calm about this!!! Across the table were scholars judging ME! I was being considered for studying in OXFORD UNIVERSITY!! Oh lord!! I AM so proud of myself. I hope it will be an upward growth from here on. In a week I will find out whether am through to the next round or not. Fingers crossed!
And dear readers, please pray I do! It means the world!
Love,
ASH
P.S. I could not ignore this anymore and was wondering: While I bare my life and thoughts to this blog, is anyone at all reading? Is anybody there? Anybody home? or 'am I a hopeless romantic?!
For heavens sake I CAN'T be calm about this!!! Across the table were scholars judging ME! I was being considered for studying in OXFORD UNIVERSITY!! Oh lord!! I AM so proud of myself. I hope it will be an upward growth from here on. In a week I will find out whether am through to the next round or not. Fingers crossed!
And dear readers, please pray I do! It means the world!
Love,
ASH
P.S. I could not ignore this anymore and was wondering: While I bare my life and thoughts to this blog, is anyone at all reading? Is anybody there? Anybody home? or 'am I a hopeless romantic?!
Thursday, May 27, 2010
:O
I saw the magazine. You were interviewed? Nice. Congrats!! Center page spread, huh? Neat! :)
THAT's what I WOULD HAVE said had you mentioned or forewarned me about the "girlfriend" bit!
Girlfriend?? A GIRLFRIEND???
How did you forget to mention THAT?? :O
Gulp. Fine! I know I should be happy for you but whatever, of course I am not exactly "thrilled" at the prospect of you dating someone... Yeah, it is awkward and I know you didn't mention her because of ...
AND oh-my-God, your cutesy smile. why? WHY? Couldn't you just pose with a straight face? F.Y.I, I totally love it! :D
Be good and do good ****(I STILL can't say it in public! :P)
Love always
Ash
P.S. Can you believe fucking fate??? DAD(of all people) bought home the magazine! :O :X Stop laughing! Not funny man. :|
For the readers: No matter how close you are to me, don't ask me about this post. I don't wanna talk about it. :)
THAT's what I WOULD HAVE said had you mentioned or forewarned me about the "girlfriend" bit!
Girlfriend?? A GIRLFRIEND???
How did you forget to mention THAT?? :O
Gulp. Fine! I know I should be happy for you but whatever, of course I am not exactly "thrilled" at the prospect of you dating someone... Yeah, it is awkward and I know you didn't mention her because of ...
AND oh-my-God, your cutesy smile. why? WHY? Couldn't you just pose with a straight face? F.Y.I, I totally love it! :D
Be good and do good ****(I STILL can't say it in public! :P)
Love always
Ash
P.S. Can you believe fucking fate??? DAD(of all people) bought home the magazine! :O :X Stop laughing! Not funny man. :|
For the readers: No matter how close you are to me, don't ask me about this post. I don't wanna talk about it. :)
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Now I know...
I was reading "The inscrutable Americans" by Anurag Mathur and for the first time I understood why I connect with America even though I have never been there... Why, I feel so lost and uncomfortable in India. Why I want to move to some far away place. No, its not that I hate India. Seriously, how can I ? A more appropriate question would be "Can I ever hate India?" 'Am so Indian- So many of my principles are Indian, my dreams are Indian and my very being is Indian. How can the tree survive when it is uprooted? Simple as that.
But I sure think its important for me to be in America. More like New York. Something fast, individualistic and busy.
There is a glory in some of the things that are quintessentially American- the hot dogs, bagels, liberty bell, the pubs, the cars, the "individualism" in the society... I want to be a part of it all... a tiny weeny dot in the big bad city :) You know what I mean ;P
I don't know how people assume that 'am "not" patriotic towards India just because I said "There is a glory in some things American..." Really? That's supposed to show that I am not patriotic? My question here is: "Do I want to be patriotic? Is it such a good quality that I MUST cultivate it?" I don't think so... By the way, if you must know, I AM patriotic but not a fanatic or a nationalist. I just happened to notice many of my friends join this community on Facebook called "I'm an Indian. Be jealous"; It only got me cackling like an old hag! Seriously! Is THAT what you consider "PATRIOTISM"?? :O Hm... Some thinking to do?
I'll be brutally honest at this point: I do believe that America is a much better place than India in many, many ways. And vice versa. Peace.
Anyway, this post was supposed be about the book "The inscrutable Americans" and well, it twisted itself into something else.
Adios amigos,
Ash
But I sure think its important for me to be in America. More like New York. Something fast, individualistic and busy.
There is a glory in some of the things that are quintessentially American- the hot dogs, bagels, liberty bell, the pubs, the cars, the "individualism" in the society... I want to be a part of it all... a tiny weeny dot in the big bad city :) You know what I mean ;P
I don't know how people assume that 'am "not" patriotic towards India just because I said "There is a glory in some things American..." Really? That's supposed to show that I am not patriotic? My question here is: "Do I want to be patriotic? Is it such a good quality that I MUST cultivate it?" I don't think so... By the way, if you must know, I AM patriotic but not a fanatic or a nationalist. I just happened to notice many of my friends join this community on Facebook called "I'm an Indian. Be jealous"; It only got me cackling like an old hag! Seriously! Is THAT what you consider "PATRIOTISM"?? :O Hm... Some thinking to do?
I'll be brutally honest at this point: I do believe that America is a much better place than India in many, many ways. And vice versa. Peace.
Anyway, this post was supposed be about the book "The inscrutable Americans" and well, it twisted itself into something else.
Adios amigos,
Ash
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Happy Birthday Aarzoo :)
First and foremost- Happy 19th Birthday zoo!! I can call you that, can't I? :) I'll take the liberty... I know it feels strange to read this letter- (a) It's a LETTER. So ancient! (b) Why didn't I just tell you this? Why a LETTER? :) Drop those questions for now. The answers will come. :) I promise.
I have known you since you were 5. You should remember: This letter was written way back in 2010. What's it now? 2022? Hope my math was right. At this point, I love you so much that I just want to be optimistic and use " I have known you" instead of "I knew you". "I have known you" would imply that I never lost you and spent many a waking moment with you. :) I do hope so dearie.
Your mom is an amazing woman and so is your dad. I know you love Tammy too.She is very special. In a sense, your mom gave me life and the strength to live that life. I owe her.:) But oh yes, this letter isn't about your mom, dad, Tam or your amazing family- Manoj, Ammachi and Remi; it's about YOU.
First and foremost, I want you to know that "I LOVE YOU".You will always occupy a special place in my heart.I don't know whether you knew it then, but the summer of 2010 was a very special one for me. It was a difficult period, yes, but also one that I treasure! Who am I kidding? It was one of the toughest times, zoo. But you somehow helped me through most of it. People had walked in and out of my life too often back then, but you held on. You chose me as your Godmother remember? I know it was all in good fun but I took the title seriously :) You were my baby. I wish I could say the same now but I know both of us will be embarrassed- It's cool. :) I just wanted to be loved by someone and respected at the same time too - unconditionally. My family loved me but they are FAMILY, you know. Yeah, Rambo(Suzy) loved me unconditionally. I wanted some attention and pampering but like you know, I am too egoistic to stoop down and SEEK attention. I never will. And there you were with the sweetest smile and the purest of hearts (same goes for Tam)- I remember the way you girls hugged my legs(yeah, that's how tall you were) that indeed, transported me somewhere else... All the attention you showered me and minus the pity- oh boy! If only adults could learn to do that! Or just your gentle voice, calling out : "Ashwini didi". The way you would ask me every single time: "Ashwini, sleepover today? Yay! Come... come..." Ha ha I never told you but my chest would puff up, even if a little bit . I want to really thank you. Somehow, telling you "thank you" or "love you" sounds funny- I am just stating the obvious! :P
Sorry, most of what 'am writing must be mushy and corny. My sincere apologies but I do mean it- Down to every single word!
Your mom and I shared a very special bond. She's been my guardian angel, sister, mother, friend, mentor all rolled into one. I wish I can do something for you. Remember, I am just a call away. Be it girl problems, family problems, or you just want to rant or tell someone how happy you are with your boyfriend- you can always come to me! :D I would love to listen to all of it and waltz you through it! Don't worry, Tammy will get her's in due course. For now, its your turn. Wondering where is your gift? All you have to do is reach out- it's waiting for you. :)
Happy Birthday! :)
For you, a thousand times over.
Love,
Ash
I have known you since you were 5. You should remember: This letter was written way back in 2010. What's it now? 2022? Hope my math was right. At this point, I love you so much that I just want to be optimistic and use " I have known you" instead of "I knew you". "I have known you" would imply that I never lost you and spent many a waking moment with you. :) I do hope so dearie.
Your mom is an amazing woman and so is your dad. I know you love Tammy too.She is very special. In a sense, your mom gave me life and the strength to live that life. I owe her.:) But oh yes, this letter isn't about your mom, dad, Tam or your amazing family- Manoj, Ammachi and Remi; it's about YOU.
First and foremost, I want you to know that "I LOVE YOU".You will always occupy a special place in my heart.I don't know whether you knew it then, but the summer of 2010 was a very special one for me. It was a difficult period, yes, but also one that I treasure! Who am I kidding? It was one of the toughest times, zoo. But you somehow helped me through most of it. People had walked in and out of my life too often back then, but you held on. You chose me as your Godmother remember? I know it was all in good fun but I took the title seriously :) You were my baby. I wish I could say the same now but I know both of us will be embarrassed- It's cool. :) I just wanted to be loved by someone and respected at the same time too - unconditionally. My family loved me but they are FAMILY, you know. Yeah, Rambo(Suzy) loved me unconditionally. I wanted some attention and pampering but like you know, I am too egoistic to stoop down and SEEK attention. I never will. And there you were with the sweetest smile and the purest of hearts (same goes for Tam)- I remember the way you girls hugged my legs(yeah, that's how tall you were) that indeed, transported me somewhere else... All the attention you showered me and minus the pity- oh boy! If only adults could learn to do that! Or just your gentle voice, calling out : "Ashwini didi". The way you would ask me every single time: "Ashwini, sleepover today? Yay! Come... come..." Ha ha I never told you but my chest would puff up, even if a little bit . I want to really thank you. Somehow, telling you "thank you" or "love you" sounds funny- I am just stating the obvious! :P
Sorry, most of what 'am writing must be mushy and corny. My sincere apologies but I do mean it- Down to every single word!
Your mom and I shared a very special bond. She's been my guardian angel, sister, mother, friend, mentor all rolled into one. I wish I can do something for you. Remember, I am just a call away. Be it girl problems, family problems, or you just want to rant or tell someone how happy you are with your boyfriend- you can always come to me! :D I would love to listen to all of it and waltz you through it! Don't worry, Tammy will get her's in due course. For now, its your turn. Wondering where is your gift? All you have to do is reach out- it's waiting for you. :)
Happy Birthday! :)
For you, a thousand times over.
Love,
Ash
Sunday, May 9, 2010
I was fifteen when I wrote this somewhere. Just wanted to keep an account of it here :)
Spooky
3 Aug, 2006 5:40 PM
Something’s so different today. The sinking feeling in d four of us- the clouds, the sudden drizzle.
Its waaaay too weird. The feeling that something’s going wrong... our fight with arjun and the way he used subs name. The way anup is all showing off and the sudden attention. The lump in my throat. The Goosebumps. The way pratek said bye, n all the color from our faces was drained. The endless silence yet noise. Something’s just not right...... I can’t place it.
Hope he's all right!
Fingers crossed.
Ash :-(
[Anup committed suicide the next day:| I should have told him what I felt.]
Happy Day
1 Dec, 2006 6:16 PM
I am really happy coz when u asked me tat question I saw how vulnerable u are! For the 1st time I felt like I was talking to YOU n not to the most popular person in the college. Thanks for an amazing day! U didn’t lose... think about it!!!
Love :-)
ash
[I still treasure this moment dude!]
Spooky
3 Aug, 2006 5:40 PM
Something’s so different today. The sinking feeling in d four of us- the clouds, the sudden drizzle.
Its waaaay too weird. The feeling that something’s going wrong... our fight with arjun and the way he used subs name. The way anup is all showing off and the sudden attention. The lump in my throat. The Goosebumps. The way pratek said bye, n all the color from our faces was drained. The endless silence yet noise. Something’s just not right...... I can’t place it.
Hope he's all right!
Fingers crossed.
Ash :-(
[Anup committed suicide the next day:| I should have told him what I felt.]
Happy Day
1 Dec, 2006 6:16 PM
I am really happy coz when u asked me tat question I saw how vulnerable u are! For the 1st time I felt like I was talking to YOU n not to the most popular person in the college. Thanks for an amazing day! U didn’t lose... think about it!!!
Love :-)
ash
[I still treasure this moment dude!]
Friday, April 30, 2010
Blurts!
- Have I ever mentioned this before? When photographers take pictures of old monuments or old people and give it this sepia tone they think it will represent a time gone by or you know, just anything that's AGED. Guys, here's a pointer - Nobody is buying that crap! Phew
- Okay, I got a new mobile! Which is BTW, totally awe- wait for it- some!!! :D
- Another thing: Since today is FRIDAY, I have been expecting a call from a little someone. During this incredibly long wait, I have received annoying messages from Domino's Pizza, Airtel, some solar company, Oh and "news" updates from India Today. :O
- Okay I did read this status message on Facebook... Boy! I wanna know what it means! I hate it when I get this urge to psychoanalyze things!!! :|
- In case you were wondering whether I was fine, glad to tell you, (surprisingly) I'm do'in just fine. THANK YOU.
- Oh, I really want to go on a long drive. Just my car and I, the music, the open road. Oh please- no wind-in-my-face crap!
-A cocktail and a smoke or a cup of strawberry/blackcurrant ice cream! Tempting! (OK I admit it! I thought Blackcurrant was spelt blackcurrEnt) :P hehe
- I have been watching 'How I met your mother' with the most zombie look ever...
-Thanks Tanvi, for all the calls yesterday. :) I really needed it...
Love,
Ash
- Okay, I got a new mobile! Which is BTW, totally awe- wait for it- some!!! :D
- Another thing: Since today is FRIDAY, I have been expecting a call from a little someone. During this incredibly long wait, I have received annoying messages from Domino's Pizza, Airtel, some solar company, Oh and "news" updates from India Today. :O
- Okay I did read this status message on Facebook... Boy! I wanna know what it means! I hate it when I get this urge to psychoanalyze things!!! :|
- In case you were wondering whether I was fine, glad to tell you, (surprisingly) I'm do'in just fine. THANK YOU.
- Oh, I really want to go on a long drive. Just my car and I, the music, the open road. Oh please- no wind-in-my-face crap!
-A cocktail and a smoke or a cup of strawberry/blackcurrant ice cream! Tempting! (OK I admit it! I thought Blackcurrant was spelt blackcurrEnt) :P hehe
- I have been watching 'How I met your mother' with the most zombie look ever...
-Thanks Tanvi, for all the calls yesterday. :) I really needed it...
Love,
Ash
Sunday, April 25, 2010
The most important poem I have written :)
WHEN I FELT LIKE DADDY’S LITTLE GIRL
I was born in 1990
On a warm summer morning
They said I was a still born baby
And I heard you cried a lot.
Somehow the doctors saved me
And granny believes you love me.
But daddy,
Do you really?
We never see eye to eye,
And never say “hi” or “bye”
But I love you dearly
Though, I pretend otherwise.
Tears roll down my cheeks
When I think of how we craved:
You- just to listen to my voice.
I -just to hug you tight.
But today you held my hands
While the doctors drew my blood,
Knowing I was shit scared
And needed your comfort.
You taught me how to drive
And pointed out each pothole…
And I felt like I tasted heaven
When I felt like daddy’s little girl.
Daddy, please forgive me
For all the times I acted
Like you never mattered.
Now, I just love you so.
Love,
Tuthuri/Attu
a.k.a Ash
Friday, April 23, 2010
My first fictional poem!
WHEN THE WOUND IS STILL SORE
I wore braces and the glasses too, oh yeah
I wore hipsters and no, not the black uns!
So people thought ‘am “plain Jane”…
But he saw someth’in different,
He called me Mandy Moore.
I knew ‘twas a lie but
I badly wanted a guy.
So I went along with what he said…
‘Twas just a trick to get what he wanted-
A last minute date to the prom.
We quickly made out-
Lest we loose each other.
So it never took us long
To reach second base.
Then we grew up
And grew out of love.
I cheated myself,
Like he knew I would…
Now, here you are-
Showing me how to do a shuffle.
Barely knowing, I can salsa too.
You tell me ‘am pretty (I know that myself)
And that you want to date me.
You call me every night and
Tempt me with Eden’s apples.
You tell me you will be there
To see me through everything-
Oh really?
You whisper sweet nothings,
Assuming you can woo me.
But now, ‘am a strong woman-
I won’t fall for that old trick.
I cheated myself,
Like you knew I would…
You deserve to know why I said “no”-
Baby, how can I date you when
The wound is still sore?
I wore braces and the glasses too, oh yeah
I wore hipsters and no, not the black uns!
So people thought ‘am “plain Jane”…
But he saw someth’in different,
He called me Mandy Moore.
I knew ‘twas a lie but
I badly wanted a guy.
So I went along with what he said…
‘Twas just a trick to get what he wanted-
A last minute date to the prom.
We quickly made out-
Lest we loose each other.
So it never took us long
To reach second base.
Then we grew up
And grew out of love.
I cheated myself,
Like he knew I would…
Now, here you are-
Showing me how to do a shuffle.
Barely knowing, I can salsa too.
You tell me ‘am pretty (I know that myself)
And that you want to date me.
You call me every night and
Tempt me with Eden’s apples.
You tell me you will be there
To see me through everything-
Oh really?
You whisper sweet nothings,
Assuming you can woo me.
But now, ‘am a strong woman-
I won’t fall for that old trick.
I cheated myself,
Like you knew I would…
You deserve to know why I said “no”-
Baby, how can I date you when
The wound is still sore?
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Just a little one!
A few days back, I was having a conversation with my friend after a really long time. Yeah, we spoke of was & when and how so much has changed in our lives. She is finally letting go of her fears and giving herself a chance to date someone. I can imagine the joy and relief she is feeling. The moment she told me she was seeing someone, I yelped with joy and did my -what Tanvi calls- the horny dance.(I do it every time I am excited and elated. It is called the horny dance because... well...it looks like 'am ...never mind! Somethings are best left unsaid.)So, the bottom line is- I was very happy for her.I always felt she was snazzy and deserved things that were good. Oh,at this point I must mention, it is because of her help that I somehow passed my French exams. And it is because of the faith she showed in me that today, God bless, I love the subject and I am managing pretty well! :) Thanks da!
All my friends knew about "him" and what happened later. This summer was special because I broke away from that twisted, toxic thing I had with him. I let go of some of my friends, so obviously, this year has been a bummer in the "relationships" department. :)But I am so close to my dream now... I can almost touch it and that feels so great! :D So while she is celebrating the "us", I am celebrating the "me" :) And this is such a good moment for both of us that I told her... "Hey, you know what? I feel like Life is hugging us."
She replied, "It is Ash! Finally!It is our time under the sun."
And I couldn't agree more!
Cheers to us babe!
And long live womanhood :P (Come one, I had to say something feminist!)
Luv,
Ash
P.S. LIFE IS HUGGING US!
All my friends knew about "him" and what happened later. This summer was special because I broke away from that twisted, toxic thing I had with him. I let go of some of my friends, so obviously, this year has been a bummer in the "relationships" department. :)But I am so close to my dream now... I can almost touch it and that feels so great! :D So while she is celebrating the "us", I am celebrating the "me" :) And this is such a good moment for both of us that I told her... "Hey, you know what? I feel like Life is hugging us."
She replied, "It is Ash! Finally!It is our time under the sun."
And I couldn't agree more!
Cheers to us babe!
And long live womanhood :P (Come one, I had to say something feminist!)
Luv,
Ash
P.S. LIFE IS HUGGING US!
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
My mobile!
Sitting in my boxers and tees, wondering how to kill time, I logged onto Facebook. Found sneha online. And this is how the conversation went-
Sneha: yoy! You got the call?(7:49pm)
Ash: Nope! my mob is a goner
So no one can call
:( I am desp! I want my mob I want it! I want it!
Sneha: what happened???
Ash: Gud story wanna listen? :P
Sneha: sure! always up for a story!
Ash: See, AAA (BBB aunty's daughter) has pee probs k?
But yesterday she forgot to get up n pee so she peed on bed. So wat u may say? Here is what
Ash: B4 sleepin,she n I were listenin to songs on my mob. She hit it by mistake n it fell behind d bed. Their bed is very heavy so wit gr8 difficulty we moved it n finally got d mob
Sneha:ooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhmmmmmmmmmmmmmyyyyyyyyyggggggggggggggooooooooooood
i thot water..!! pee???? eeeewwwwwwwww!:D sry for ur loss though :P
Ash:So d whole night I was clutchin on to my mob cause I was worried it would fall
Obvi after I fell asleep, it slipped n was somewhere near my knees
5am I woke up startled
relealised I was soaked in pee nfound d pee was in my mob as well!
So that is my sad state of affairs@
:(
I want my mob! I want my mob!
Sneha:poor u.. u shud have separated dat battery :P
somehow this is funny!
:D but very very sorry !
fo rur loss.. when is it going to be fine?
gave it to repair?
Ash:Nope not yet
Gau said let it dry for half day more
It is all dried
But the whole screen is white
I cannot see anything else
Tomo afternoon will giv it
I am feelin handicapped!
You wanna kno what foolish thing I did?:
Dont tell Gau plz
Sneha:yes sry sou ge call maadi kotte.
now i m free
Ash:Ok :) I realised d mob was smellin so I took incense sticks n tried to smoke out the vapor n smell frm mob
THAT is when it stopped working
DO- NOT- LAUGH!
Sneha:OMG! u r an item!
Ash:
:( What u doin now?
Ok I gtg. After talkin to you, I am missing my mob more! :(
Bye! Hmph~
all sadists :P
Sneha:
hey..i was just finding out from my frd
if he had xtra cell
for u.. ur sim is working rite?
Ash: :(
Sneha:yene? (In Kannada,meaning "What")
Ash:Yes it is...I feel so bad! 1 I dont have a mob
2 I cant believe the mob meant so much to me
Sneha: chill ya.. it ll be fine in 3 days :)
i think i can get u a cell for the time being.. he told he'll see if its still woeking.. its no hi5 posh mob but good enuf to
call n msg :)
Ash: ok thanks :)Plz see I might just need it for 2-3 days
I had a spare too... Cant find it
Sneha:i can get it if he has it tomo only..
Ash:
Thanks But still what if my mob can never be right again??
I love it :)
Sneha:lol.. it just got drenched!
in pee! :D
it'll be fine!
it might stink. but it ll be fine :)
Ash: No it smells like incense sticks :P
I fell off the chair now! :( Hurt my foot n broke the chair! Guess am accident prone today :|
Sneha:rofllllllllllll!!!!!
Ash:NOT funny-again!
Sneha:u have noclue!!
it is!! i got a tummy ache...
(8:23pm)
Ash:Let's hope this is not ur dinner time story . Ok let me go down n stuff somethin down my throat! :| Thanks a ton man
Buh bye
Tc
* * * * * * * *
Like Muthu said, you never know, THIS just might be shown on Ripley's :P
But the one thing I am not at all feeling good about is that I have lost all my contacts which were added in the last 6 months! :( But on the bright side, Ashwin's number is still there. :D
Love,
Ash
Sneha: yoy! You got the call?(7:49pm)
Ash: Nope! my mob is a goner
So no one can call
:( I am desp! I want my mob I want it! I want it!
Sneha: what happened???
Ash: Gud story wanna listen? :P
Sneha: sure! always up for a story!
Ash: See, AAA (BBB aunty's daughter) has pee probs k?
But yesterday she forgot to get up n pee so she peed on bed. So wat u may say? Here is what
Ash: B4 sleepin,she n I were listenin to songs on my mob. She hit it by mistake n it fell behind d bed. Their bed is very heavy so wit gr8 difficulty we moved it n finally got d mob
Sneha:ooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhmmmmmmmmmmmmmyyyyyyyyyggggggggggggggooooooooooood
i thot water..!! pee???? eeeewwwwwwwww!:D sry for ur loss though :P
Ash:So d whole night I was clutchin on to my mob cause I was worried it would fall
Obvi after I fell asleep, it slipped n was somewhere near my knees
5am I woke up startled
relealised I was soaked in pee nfound d pee was in my mob as well!
So that is my sad state of affairs@
:(
I want my mob! I want my mob!
Sneha:poor u.. u shud have separated dat battery :P
somehow this is funny!
:D but very very sorry !
fo rur loss.. when is it going to be fine?
gave it to repair?
Ash:Nope not yet
Gau said let it dry for half day more
It is all dried
But the whole screen is white
I cannot see anything else
Tomo afternoon will giv it
I am feelin handicapped!
You wanna kno what foolish thing I did?:
Dont tell Gau plz
Sneha:yes sry sou ge call maadi kotte.
now i m free
Ash:Ok :) I realised d mob was smellin so I took incense sticks n tried to smoke out the vapor n smell frm mob
THAT is when it stopped working
DO- NOT- LAUGH!
Sneha:OMG! u r an item!
Ash:
:( What u doin now?
Ok I gtg. After talkin to you, I am missing my mob more! :(
Bye! Hmph~
all sadists :P
Sneha:
hey..i was just finding out from my frd
if he had xtra cell
for u.. ur sim is working rite?
Ash: :(
Sneha:yene? (In Kannada,meaning "What")
Ash:Yes it is...I feel so bad! 1 I dont have a mob
2 I cant believe the mob meant so much to me
Sneha: chill ya.. it ll be fine in 3 days :)
i think i can get u a cell for the time being.. he told he'll see if its still woeking.. its no hi5 posh mob but good enuf to
call n msg :)
Ash: ok thanks :)Plz see I might just need it for 2-3 days
I had a spare too... Cant find it
Sneha:i can get it if he has it tomo only..
Ash:
Thanks But still what if my mob can never be right again??
I love it :)
Sneha:lol.. it just got drenched!
in pee! :D
it'll be fine!
it might stink. but it ll be fine :)
Ash: No it smells like incense sticks :P
I fell off the chair now! :( Hurt my foot n broke the chair! Guess am accident prone today :|
Sneha:rofllllllllllll!!!!!
Ash:NOT funny-again!
Sneha:u have noclue!!
it is!! i got a tummy ache...
(8:23pm)
Ash:Let's hope this is not ur dinner time story . Ok let me go down n stuff somethin down my throat! :| Thanks a ton man
Buh bye
Tc
* * * * * * * *
Like Muthu said, you never know, THIS just might be shown on Ripley's :P
But the one thing I am not at all feeling good about is that I have lost all my contacts which were added in the last 6 months! :( But on the bright side, Ashwin's number is still there. :D
Love,
Ash
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